Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
This year’s Glastonbury line-up looks great, assuming Madness get three hours and Jake Bugg gets four seconds.
Taurus (20 APRIL20 MAY)
Ever since you bought that orchard you’ve sounded really smug when you asked people whether they like your produce.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
No news from the Oxford English dictionary on your suggestion that three UKIP members having a conversation should be called a ‘twat-trick’.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
The online ads were right: that will be the last pair of slippers you ever buy. If only youd been more careful when firing up that chainsaw.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
On Saturday you reveal that youre so hipster, you call London ‘Londinium’.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Tomorrow, Ben Affleck visits your workplace and reads out the pissy emails your colleagues have been sending about that project you’ve been working on for a year, just to see how you like it.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Every Saturday you have to get up at the crack of dawn to play football with woodland animals. That’s your cross to bear.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Youre thrown out of a furniture shop on Friday when you ask them for an ordinary, standard lamp and they keep bringing you these big tall freestanding things.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your dream of winning the Nobel Prize in Physics was, it turns out during the lawsuit, never rightfully your dream at all. Yours was about an aubergine that wouldn’t take hints.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This weekend, you discover that full song lyrics for pretty much everything are available on the internet. Wow, thatll really save you a lot of pointless listening.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
As ever, this week you should shag a Libra, marry a Gemini and kill a Leo.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You buy a new washing machine and invite some friends around to watch. No talking during the programme.