New Zealand halfway through gruelling three-day lockdown

FOLLOWING the discovery of a handful of local Covid-19 cases, New Zealand is currently halfway through a demanding three-day lockdown.

The punishing restrictions demand that Auckland’s 1.7 million residents remain indoors for a full 72 hours, while the rest of the country has been politely asked to follow the Alert Level 2 rules.

New Zealand resident Mary Fisher said: “We all praised Jacinda Ardern for going hard and early with the restrictions last year, but this time she’s gone too far. She’s clearly drunk with power.

“What am I meant to do if I want to take in the breath-taking natural scenery I’ve enjoyed uninhibited for months on end? Turn my head slightly and look out the window? It’s just not the same.

“We’ve endured hours of these emergency measures and the end is already clearly in sight, but I think people want to lift the lockdown early so we can return to the normality we all vividly remember from last week.”

Fisher’s friend in London Tom Booker said: “Sorry, I thought you were taking the piss when you said three days. I’ve had hangovers longer than that.”

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Make them gluten free, and other ways to f**k up Pancake Day

SUGAR, lemon and basic batter is all that’s needed for the perfect pancake. However, some people love to f**k around trying to be clever about it. Here are the worse ways to mess up Pancake Day.

Insist on a savoury course

Middle class parents who think their children will get scurvy if they eat one meal without a vegetable in it will insist on starting with a savoury course. That garlic mushroom stuffed monstrosity will make your kids too full to enjoy the nice ones, and therefore pissed off with you.

Attempt to make American-style pancakes

A fat stack of pancakes drenched in maple syrup sounds good but will make your stomach and teeth hurt after three mouthfuls. It’s not worth the hassle and somehow will never as good as seventeen flimsy, badly tossed and undercooked British ones.

Think you can make crêpes

Whilst American ones are too fat, the French style of pancake is some kind of wafer thin bullshit that is impossible to successfully make without a special pan and a huge amount of patience. However, you should steal the idea of smothering your pancakes in Nutella, because it’s delicious.

Let the kids help

What can go wrong if you decide to leave your children alone in the kitchen with a dozen eggs, a big bottle of milk and a very hot frying pan? Loads of stuff, so make sure you’ve got 999 on speed dial.

Make them gluten free

If you want to really balls up Pancake Day, tell your loved ones that you’ve suddenly discovered a gluten intolerance. They’ll hate grimly eating their way through a stack of grey, chewy discs made of chickpea flour, which you won’t allow them to put sugar on just for the fun of torturing them even further.