North Korean Pizza Toppings To Include Cardboard And Old Teeth

NORTH Korea is to open a national chain of pizza restauarants offering a range of delicious toppings including cardboard, rusty paper clips and old men's teeth.

Each restaurant will feature a wood-fired oven imported from Naples and pizza bases made from ground-up dog bones, toilet water and the axle grease from a disused Russian tank.

Other toppings include shoe parts and fried rat nipples, as well as Jong Suk, a North Korean delicacy for which there is no direct translation although the nearest English equivalent is 'unspecified toe'.

Pak Sang-Sum, manager of People's Restaurant No. 1374 , said: "Our dear leader Kim Jong-Il believes the masses should be able to enjoy the finest foods the world has to offer while at the same time supporting Korea's state-of-the-art cardboard industry.

"To this end we have set a five year target for the consumption of cardboard and stationery products under the watchful guidance of the Committee for the National Pizza Plan.

"All will eat pizza and all will enjoy it. And on May Day the masses will gather in the People's Stadium and hold up thousands of coloured pieces of cardboard to form giant pictures of the nation's favourite varieties of cardboard pizza."

Mr Pak said the cardboard pizzas would be delivered in a thin, square box made of dough, mozarella cheese, tomato paste and a smattering of thinly sliced Italian sausage.

He added: "If your pizza is not delivered within a decade of your order being approved by the chairman of your Regional Committee for the National Pizza Plan, you will get it for free. Or you'll be shot in the back of the head."

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Britain Delighted As Financial Crisis Keeps Cherie Blair In A Job

UNEMPLOYED people across Britain were celebrating today as the financial crisis which has wrecked their dreams gave Cherie Blair the chance to earn some enormous legal fees.

Mrs Blair, a leading QC, is acting on behalf of two local authority pension funds who had enough money to invest in the Royal Bank of Scotland while private pension funds were being systematically destroyed by her husband's government.

The former prime minister's wife told The Times she agreed to take the case because of the massive losses inflicted on local authorities and the gigantic fees they will be able to pay simply by putting up council tax.

She added: "It's also about my great big house in the country. It needs a new gazebo and one of those really wide American fridge freezers with an ice dispenser built into the door."

The case is expected to take several years to come to court giving Mrs Blair enough time to shop for even bigger houses and make another documentary about the need for increased Popery.

Bill McKay, a retired engineer whose private pension is now worth around eight pence a month, said: "Just the other day I was saying how worried I was about Cherie and whether she and Tony would be able to manage.

"She's the perfect choice given that she spent 10 years living next door to the bastard who caused all of this. Perhaps she could cross-examine Gordon Brown and then they could go for a nice lunch and a catch-up."

He added: "Of course she would have had even more specialist knowledge if her husband had been involved in running the country in some way but, understandably, he was too busy being Jesus."