It Ended 4-1, Man Utd Tells Fans

MANCHESTER United used text messages to inform fleeing supporters of Saturday’s defeat by Liverpool as thousands left Old Trafford early and caught the train back to London.

There’s no point spending more time in Manchester than you have to

It is the first time the club has used its new £20 a month subscription service which also includes a selection of talking points, a football ‘word of the day’ and the names of key players from both teams.

Julian Cook, a season ticket holder from Primrose Hill, said: “How ghastly. Does that mean that Liverpool win the big cup? Or is it just the league thingy?

“As long as it wasn’t the big European whatsit because I’ve arranged to meet up with some friends in Barcelona next month and do a bit of shopping.”

As the final whistle blew on Saturday only three United fans remained in the ground after their wheelchair helpers gave up and headed to the car park.

Liverpoool manager Rafa Benitez said: “At first I think Ferguson do this deliberate as some kind of spooky mind game in latest pathetic attempt to drive me insane.

“But then I realise that United fans are very busy peoples with Blackberries who no have time to see their team lose.”

Meanwhile Man Utd manager Sir Alex Ferguson was banned from giving post-match television interviews after producers decided that the rapidly changing colours of his incandesecent face could trigger thousands of epileptic fits.

Speaking off-camera he said: “I felt we were better than Liverpool, although the score doesn’t reflect that. I also feel that Ho Chi Minh City is just outside of Knutsford, although the Ordnance Survey map doesn’t reflect that.”

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Chief Medical Officer Denies Links To Skunk Industry

BRITAIN'S chief medical officer was last night forced to deny links to the international skunk trade after calling for the price of alcohol to be doubled.

Sir Liam Donaldson said he was opposed to all artificial stimulants and claimed that increasing the price of drink would encourage people to stay in and watch Lark Rise to Candleford while sipping a glass of luke warm tap water.

But critics insisted Sir Liam must have known that doubling the cost of the nation's favourite drug would inevitably encourage hard-up consumers to shop around for better value.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "How could anyone who is not in league with the skunk barons think that this is a good idea?"

Professsor Brubaker also pointed to a recent television campaign which suggests that taking skunk is like going to a groovy party inside your own head.

He added: "A couple of the guests seem to be a bit out of sorts, but all parties are like that and at least no-one is getting steadily pissed on Jacob's Creek and going on and on about house prices. Meanwhile the majority of the young man's alter egos seem to be having a lovely time.

"One can only conclude that the chief medical officer is lying awake in bed at night thinking of new and diabolical ways to get us all skunked-up to the eyeballs."

Government sources last night hinted they would reject Sir Liam's plan stressing they may be catastrophically incompetent and hopelessly out of touch with public opinion, but they weren't morons.

Emma Hollis, a wine drinker from Twickenham, said: "If the price of alcohol doubles I will have to rethink my weekly shopping budget. What I can say is that, one way or another, by nine o'clock on a Friday night I am going to be completely and utterly off my tits."