Apple Unveils Moyles-Pod

APPLE  has unveiled a new 4GB MP3 player which will be dominated by the voice of disc jockey Chris Moyles laughing at his own flatulence.

The company said the new 'moylesPod' will feature the DJ talking over the first 20 seconds of all your favourite songs while cracking jokes about homosexuals, immigrants and people with talent.

An Apple spokesman said: "The challenge of distilling Moyles' delusional ego down to 4GB was incredible. Squeezing 30 stone of ill-founded arrogance into a player the size of a battery is the equivalent of stuffing 62 Robbie Williams into a matchbox."

The company said there were concerns that such massive compression could create a 'point of singularity' sucking in all cogent thought and turning the moylesPod into a vast, black hole of mediocrity.

The device will retail at £99.99 and has already been described by Stuff magazine as a 'hellish combination of micro-technology and tiresome gittishness'.

New voices will be available by download, including the cast of Skins and Achmed, the terrorist skeleton puppet. Teenager Charlie Reeves, from Wimbledon, said: "I can't wait to hear him say 'And now it's The Fear by Lily Allen – I keel you!' He is perhaps the only genius working in Britain today."

Future upgrades could also feature intelligent playlists, with software filtering out songs based on an algorithm measuring originality, musicianship and the absence of Elton John.

Beta-tester Julian Cook said: "I loaded all my CDs onto the moylesPod – James Blunt, Take That, Ting Tings – but every time I pressed play, it told me to fuck off and just played 30 seconds of Jimi Hendrix over and over again like an aggressive drunk man hogging the stereo at a party.

"I want to batter it with a spanner."

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Madoff Pleads Guilty To Not Being A Bank

FRAUDSTER Bernard Madoff yesterday pled guilty to not realising he should just have turned his failed investment firm into a bank.

Madoff, the former darling of Wall Street, told a New York court he was 'deeply sorry and ashamed' for being prosecuted when it would have been so much easier to have been bailed out.

He added: "When I heard about the huge amounts of public money being given to banks I suddenly thought 'oh shit'.

"You know that feeling you get when you've totally ballsed it up and you're just like, 'shit, shitty, shit, shit'. It was a bit like that."

Tom Logan, scams analyst at Madeley-Finnegan, said: "Bernard Madoff was taking money in, telling everyone that everything was okay and then, when the financial crisis hit, he ran out of money. Sounds eerily familiar doesn't it?

"After studying his business model very carefully I have concluded that the key difference between Madoff and the banks is the word 'bank'.

"If his company had been called Halifax Bank of Madoff or the Royal Bank of Madoff, he'd now be enjoying his retirement and laughing at all those people who wanted him to give up his pension."

Logan added: "All he had to do was open a couple of branches, stick a cash machine in the post office and get his staff to appear in a series of unwatchable adverts set to ghastly music.

"And when things got really bad he could always just have asked Gordon Brown to find him a big, stupid arsehole of a bank to merge with."