Notice I'm not flying to you, says Juncker

EU CHIEF Jean-Claude Juncker has highlighted that Theresa May is flying to Brussels to rescue Brexit talks, not the other way around. 

Juncker, who respects the prime minister about as much as Britain’s tabloid newspapers respect him, has enjoyed a leisurely morning of coffee, croissants, Le Monde and not being on a plane because he is not the one who is very worried.

He said: “The door will be closed. They will knock. I will not answer immediately.

“Interesting item in the newspapers here, about the UK being £490 billion poorer than it had realised. Perhaps I will leave it open on the table.

“You are negotiating with the world’s largest trading bloc, and you think you have the upper hand? Your only profitable industry depends on our largesse, and you accuse me of interfering in your stupid election?

“It is fucking right these are ‘emergency’ talks. You have set yourselves on fire, and I am currently not in the frame of mind to piss.”

Brexit supporter Martin Bishop said: “Oh, now they’re afraid. Theresa’s flying in to smack the hammer down. Just watch those Euro-bitches fold.”

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Man meeting new girlfriend's mates unaware of how much they already know about him

A MAN meeting his new girlfriend’s mates for the first time is unaware of the extensive knowledge they already have about him.

Wayne Hayes is looking forward to an evening in the pub with the ‘girl squad’ while totally ignorant of the extreme vetting he has been through to get to this point.

Squad member Mary Fisher said: “We were initially a bit concerned about his apparent lack of ambition, but after much debate, we’ve agreed that ‘freelance graphic designer’ is a job of sorts.

“We were also really moved by the story of his difficult relationship with his father and brother, especially after his cousin Mark got off with his last girlfriend during that family holiday in Corfu.”

She added: “And, of course, we’ve heard all about their sex life. He shouldn’t be afraid to experiment more, we’ll probably bring that up later in a sort of informal round table discussion.”

Meanwhile, Hayes’s friends are vaguely aware that he has been dating someone after a message about having to miss a five-a-side game to go to her birthday meal.