Notice I’m not flying to you, says Juncker

EU CHIEF Jean-Claude Juncker has highlighted that Theresa May is flying to Brussels to rescue Brexit talks, not the other way around. 

Juncker, who respects the prime minister about as much as Britain’s tabloid newspapers respect him, has enjoyed a leisurely morning of coffee, croissants, Le Monde and not being on a plane because he is not the one who is very worried.

He said: “The door will be closed. They will knock. I will not answer immediately.

“Interesting item in the newspapers here, about the UK being £490 billion poorer than it had realised. Perhaps I will leave it open on the table.

“You are negotiating with the world’s largest trading bloc, and you think you have the upper hand? Your only profitable industry depends on our largesse, and you accuse me of interfering in your stupid election?

“It is fucking right these are ‘emergency’ talks. You have set yourselves on fire, and I am currently not in the frame of mind to piss.”

Brexit supporter Martin Bishop said: “Oh, now they’re afraid. Theresa’s flying in to smack the hammer down. Just watch those Euro-bitches fold.”