Doctors' surgeries to become terrifying sex clubs, say old people

PLANS to ask patients about their sexuality mean doctors’ surgeries will become debauched sex clubs full of perverts, old people believe.

Tabloid outrage about the initiative has left many elderly people convinced they will have to try ‘golden showers’ when they only went in to get some ointment for their bad elbow.

Pensioner Roy Hobbs said: “When I next go to see Dr Simpson about my blood pressure I expect she’ll want me to wank off a goat just to fill her quota.

“The surgery will have been turned into a massive sex club full of nancy boys trying to ‘convert’ people. You’ll probably have to wear leather underpants if you want an appointment.

“They’ll want me to take Viagra and get stuck into a gay orgy there and then. That can’t be right after I’ve just had my hip done.”

Retiree Mary Fisher said: “If my GP asks about my sexuality I’ll tell him to mind his own beeswax.

“Should they want me to become a transsexual they’ll have to pay for me to have it done on BUPA.”

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Northerner likes coffee

A NORTHERN man has shocked colleagues by expressing a preference for fancy coffee over a large mug of very strong tea.

Northern person Tom Booker, who works in London, shocked workmates by arriving at the office with a cappuccino rather than the sweet, nut-coloured tea beloved of his species.

Booker’s workmate Donna Sheridan said: “How did Tom learn about cappuccino? Maybe he saw someone ask for one on a black and white television.

“It’s a shame he’s abandoned his roots. You don’t see people sipping lattes when they queue up for their dole in Ken Loach films.

“Perhaps it’s for a caffeine-loving ferret he keeps secreted in his trouser pocket.”

Booker’s line manager Joanna Kramer said: “He pretends to like coffee in an endearing attempt to seem cultivated, but you can see him wrinkle his nose at its sophisticated underlying bitterness.

“Tom does get annoyed when I ask him if he’s absolutely sure he knows what an espresso macchiato is.”

Booker said: “For the last fucking time, I’m from Luton.”