IF Britain is in the mood for apologising for things it should really add America to its list, it was claimed last
As David Cameron told Pakistan that its current balls-out craziness was actually the fault of the British empire, experts pointed to the giant, stupid, disgusting country founded by some people from East Anglia.
Julian Cook, author of America: What the Fuck Were We Thinking?, said: “When Harwich-born Christopher Jones captained the Mayflower in 1620 he began a process that would lead ultimately to genocide, the Ku Klux Klan and Grey’s Anatomy.
“Thanks to him and his insane passengers, the way was paved for a nation of heavily armed toddlers led around by an ever-changing roll-call of religious maniacs, grubby conmen and dead-eyed celebrities.
“It doesn’t understand anything more than 15 minutes old – except creationism – and is littered with strip malls and heavily branded cheese pumps.
“We have engineered a massive, unstoppable Essex. We should all be in jail.”
Cook conceded that other European countries would have taken Britain’s place, but stressed: “Then we might have had a massive, unstoppable Dordogne. And that sounds brilliant.”
Historian, Roy Hobbs, added: “And let’s not forget that in the 19th century we made it even worse by ensuring its eastern seaboard was flooded with drunken, Irish gangsters whose chippy, lachrymose descendants would end up buying millions of U2 albums.
“So as well as Pakistan and America, we created Bono. And how do you even begin to apologise for Bono?”
Meanwhile, Cameron’s apology has been questioned by experts who stressed that the £650m in educational aid to Pakistan is being used to counter the sort of peevish, blood thirsty Islam that existed before the British empire was even a shitty little twinkle in a Plantagenet eye.
Bill McKay, professor of tiffin at Reading University, said: “If it wasn’t for a smattering of slightly giddy, gin-hammering colonists and jolly, Simon Callow-style vicars it could actually have been much, much worse.”