Obama thanks Queen for imperialist, ceremonial bullshit

PRESIDENT Obama last night thanked the Queen for laying on the sort of ceremonial bullshit that harks back to the empire that crushed his beautiful African ancestors.

At an official state banquet at Buckingham Palace, Mr Obama stressed the link between America and Britain was
strong, much to his annoyance because he hates the fucking place and everything it stands for.

He said: “You can trot around on your little horses, blow your little trumpets and pretend it’s 1850 all you want.

“But it’s not 1850 and your little adventure in Africa is long gone you lazy, privileged, fat-assed motherfuckers.

“I want to thank all you viscounts and earls and dukes and god knows what for hauling your white asses out of your stately homes built with slave money and the stolen resources of millions of proud Africans, Indians and native Americans.

“How about I come to your house tomorrow and help myself to the contents of your fridge and then make a coffee-coloured baby with your pretty little Duchess? You like that, you thieving piece of shit?”

Removing the Queen’s tiara and holding it over his head he added: “In America we give crowns to beauty queens. Okay, so they are just dim-witted pawns in some decadent, capitalist sideshow, but at least they fucking earned it.

“Not like this old white woman, who tries to justify her ill-gotten luxury with words like ‘heritage’ and ‘continuity’ as if we are all just dumb-assed field slaves who don’t know nothin’ anyhow.”

The President continued: “If you think you can wave this imperialist horseshit under my nose and I won’t say anything, you must be out of your tiny, inbred minds.

“I am now going to France where they know what to do with people like you.

“Stick that in your fucking trumpet.”

 

 

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Power Thinking, with Dr Morris O'Connor

Supernatural business solutions

Most people fear the occult and rightly so, animal sacrifices can ruin a lunch party if all the guests aren’t forewarned a chicken is going to get it in between courses.

As a rule of thumb, if you’re going to hack a creature’s head off at a social gathering, mentioning it up front when you greet your guests is the best way to manage expectations. It’s also an opportunity to offer alternatives to the animal slaughter like board games, holiday photos or perhaps Flashdance on Blu-Ray.

Despite misconceived preconceptions, dabbling in the occult is a great way to generate success in your business and personal life. I had an unsightly wart on my ‘go to’ pointing finger that I could not budge with creams or cryotherapy. It made me self-conscious in presentations and I got to the stage where I had substituted the point for nodding. I’d perfected the nod to such an extent that I could do an entire meeting with my hands in my pockets, but even the best nodders will struggle to pick out specific figures in a financial presentation without getting a nose involved. The obvious solution was Black Magic.  

I paid a wart charmer, who I found in the Yellow Pages, a nominal fee and buried a piece of meat in the garden as advised. Within three days my wart had disappeared. I had manifested extreme success by dabbling in the dark arts and I wondered what else was possible. I made the mistake of getting the wart charmer to file my 2003 tax return and learned a valuable life lesson – the Inland Revenue won’t accept any documentation that comes with bacon stapled to it.

The wart charmer had opened my eyes to the potential of the occult and before long I was casting spells and performing voodoo on some of the biggest retail corporations in the country. I partnered with a white witch and together we helped Stead and Simpson take their stylish shoe business online. I also used magic elixirs to win over new customers at networking events and found that most people, how ever reserved, enjoy the novelty of drinking from a jewel-encrusted goblet.

If you’re at a point where you can’t get your arrogant boss to take to you seriously or you can’t seem to become more desirable to that attractive colleague of yours, what are you going to do? Go to HR and have an awkward chat with an office drone or put a cursed, mummified rat in someone’s desk drawer?

Dr Morris O’Connor is the best selling author of 101 Easy to Perform Business Curses.