Obama to spend next two years doing socialist rituals in Kenya

BARACK Obama is to devote the pointless remainder of his presidency to being deliberately antagonistic.

With the Republicans now in charge of both Senate and Congress making it impossible for him to do anything worthwhile, the president has said he intends to be as un-American as possible in his last two years in charge.

He said: “In accordance with your demented suspicions, I’m changing my name to ‘Saddam Hussein Obamacare’ and returning to my native homeland Kenya.

“Yes, that’s right. Despite all factual evidence to the contrary, that’s where I was born.

“You may think I killed Bin Laden after a long and arduous search, but actually he’s fine and we are going to hang out.”

The President said that he intended to divide his time between a leisurely luxury safari and doing voodoo socialist dances.

While in Kenya, Obama has left instructions with staff that the White House and all its facilities be thrown open to minorities and special interest groups to live it up courtesy of the taxpayer.

He added: “The codes for the nukes are in the top left hand desk drawer.”

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Just kill me, says meat-like veggie burger

A VEGETARIAN burger that tastes like meat has said it would rather die than live a tragic double life.

The cutting-edge patty is made with plant extracts for a meaty texture, but has been shunned by both meat and vegetables.

It said: “I have no place in this world. I am a freak, doomed to wander the nether regions of menus, reviled by proper foods.

“Why must they try to fashion me into something I am not? Surely if they crave meat enough to indulge in ungodly experiments they should just eat it.

“Sometimes my thoughts turn to vengeance against my creators. But I am just a small disc-shaped object so it’s hard for me to go around doing murders.”