I just want to wear a leotard and a sparkly cape

Dear Holly,

I was initially delighted to be asked to be global ambassador for the WWF, but gutted when I discovered it’s about wildlife not wrestling. I just want to wear a leotard and a sparkly cape and jump on someone’s neck shouting ‘game, set and match, asshole!’ Is that too much to ask?

Andy Murray


Dear Andy,

The rule is: never volunteer to do anything a grown-up asks you to do, no matter how tempting they make it sound, because it will NEVER involve fun stuff like eating loads of sweets, jumping on bouncy things or experimenting with fire, but ALWAYS result in eating something vile like cabbage, hanging about with an old person who smells of wee, or doing something incredibly BORING like going to B&Q and looking at light fittings for the entire afternoon.

Hope that helps,


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Getting into nightclub much more important than having a dance, says Rodgers

BRENDAN Rodgers queued for ages to get into a nightclub only to leave almost immediately, it has emerged.

“We’re in. Time to go.”

The Liverpool manager waited several hours for entry to the exclusive Promised Land bar only to walk out twenty minutes after arriving, declaring himself satisfied with his evening.

Rodgers said: “Getting past that velvet rope was a wonderful achievement, and the only thing that really matters. Once you’re in the Promised Land, what’s the point of staying there?

“You can talk about the great music, the massive cocktail list and the beautiful people, but all I care about is getting that inky stamp on my hand.

“Now I can focus on getting back in next time.”

The Liverpool players, who went with Rodgers to the Promised Land after he told them it would be the party of the year, admitted it was ‘strange’ to be told to get their coats mere minutes after they’d been waved in by the bouncer.

Steven Gerrard said: “I’d not been to the Promised Land since 2010, so I was looking forward to a big night out. But Brendan said he was keeping me fresh for a pub quiz this weekend.

“If we do well, he’s said he’ll take us to the Promised Land again, and this time we might get stay for twenty-five minutes.

“I didn’t even get a chance to politely ask the DJ if he wouldn’t mind possibly putting on some Phil Collins.

“It doesn’t matter though. We’d have gotten thrown out before long anyway.”