Man has infantile phone voice for partner

AN office worker has a nauseating, child-like phone voice that he uses when speaking to his girlfriend.

“Wub woo”

35-year-old sales administrator Stephen Malley, who speaks like a normal adut the rest of the time, switches to insipid cooing drivel whenever his partner calls the office.

Speaking on the phone to his girlfriend Emma Bradford, who is a needy annoying cow, Malley said: “Hello, JLB Electronics? Oh hi pookin! How wah woo?

“Aw. Aw. Are you nice and snuggly wiv your onsie and a wubbly cuppy poos of teasy weasy?

“Can’t wait to see you pookin. I wub you.”

Malley’s colleague Helen Archer said: “He’s alright most of the time but when she calls you just want to staple his windpipe shut.

“She is always ringing up for no reason, just to get attention. And you just know she’s fucking someone else behind his back.”

Malley continued: “No you hang up.

“I’m not hanging up baby. You hang up.

“You hang up.

“No you hang up.”

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Crystal Palace to stop giving away complementary goal

CRYSTAL Palace manager Neil Warnock has called an end to the tradition that sees his club give all opponents a guaranteed goal.

Providing a warm welcome

The South London side have become firm favourites with other Premier League teams thanks to their courteous insistence upon making sure opponents find the net.

However manager Warnock believes less generous clubs are taking advantage of Palace’s good nature to beat his team at football.

Warnock said: “People are always saying they love playing against us and that means a lot to me.

“We pride ourselves on making the experience as comfortable as possible by providing a ‘welcome goal’ rather than being uncooperative.

“But people get greedy and want another goal and another and before you know it we’ve given away three. That’s really too many.”

However, goalkeeper Julian Speroni was clearly uncomfortable with the idea of not stooping to pick the ball out of his net with an exaggerated sigh.

He said: “It does feel sort of rude not to give away at least one goal after they’ve taken the time to play us.

“I like to think that when clubs see Crystal Palace on their fixture list it puts a smile on their face.”