Piss-eyed Tango monster demands everyone say nice things about it

A DESPERATE, blithering fuck-up has demanded the media accurately report how unbelievably fantastic it is. 

The unnaturally fluorescent mass of insecurities, apparently incapable of understanding basic logic, told press that the real story was how incredible it was and how much everyone loved it.

The thing, which blankly opened and closed a hole in its face even when not speaking as if in an autonomous feeding reflex, was able to respond to human speech but experts believe it is simply mimicry, devoid of meaning.

BBC reporter Julian Cook said: “It appeared to answer questions, but when you read back the answers they’re nothing but a torrent of unconnected words mixed with a keening refrain of pathetic self-praise.

“We believe this creature actually feeds on adulation and has adapted to seek out high concentrations of it, but instead is now exposed to unprecedented levels of toxic criticism causing it to lash out.”

He added: “Its neediness is almost to be pitied, if it wasn’t such a contemptible sack of orange shit.”

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People looking for leader of West choosing between Trudeau and Merkel but definitely not May

PEOPLE looking for a new leader of the western world are eyeing up Justin Trudeau and Angela Merkel and dismissing Theresa May without a second thought.

Since the post became vacant four weeks ago, anxious Europeans and North Americans have been impressed by how the Canadian prime minister and German chancellor have defended western values and realised that Britain’s prime minister is rubbish at it.

Johanna DeVries, from Amsterdam, said: “We do need someone who can defend and articulate our core beliefs. Pandering to arseholes is not one of them.”

She added: “Ivanka Trump and the Duchess of Cambridge are clearly opting for Trudeau, but I like that Frau Merkel will tell Putin he’s a horse’s cock – and do it in fluent Russian.”

Tom Logan, from Peterborough, said: “Justin Trudeau is young and progressive, yet pragmatic. Plus, I saw a photo of him balancing his entire body weight on a desk in some sort of exotic yoga position.

“Maybe Theresa May could have a go at that?”