Russian troll struggling to be more bigoted than typical internet user

A RUSSIAN professional troll is finding it hard to be more bigoted than British online commenters who do it for free, he has revealed.

Despite being paid to stir up trouble on news websites, Alexander Petrov’s posts are never more furious and unhinged than genuine opinions on topics like immigration and the EU.

St Petersburg-based Petrov said: “My job is to post lies and propaganda to weaken Europe, but sometimes I wonder why I bother with all these twats spouting rubbish themselves.

“Yesterday I lied that the EU wanted uncontrolled immigration, but then ‘Wigan Lass’ posted ‘Nuke the Brussels NAZIS + every foreign shitehole then invent a disease that only kills the French!!!’ She got 280 ‘recommends’ and I only got 11.

“Today I was defending Putin by saying we need strong leaders, but when I got to Spectator comments I discovered they already love him, although he was ‘not as good as Hitler’.

“After that I thought ‘fuck it’ and claimed the Queen was going to start wearing a burqa. Lots of Daily Mail readers said ‘Nice one for telling the truth, mate’.

“I’m only doing this for the money and had hoped to visit the UK one day, but after finding out how many ignorant wankers live there I think I’ll give it a miss.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Imodium unveils magical Christmas advert

THE makers of Imodium have released a heartwarming Christmas advert featuring a monster with chronic diarrhoea.

The big-budget advert involves a young boy, Jack, who wakes in the night to discover a large troll-like creature shitting violently in his cupboard.

The pair embark on a delightful festive adventure, interrupted only by the monster running off with stomach cramps to void his bowels of liquid faeces.

A spokesman said: “We wanted to capture the magic of Christmas, but also the terror of knowing you might cack yourself because you’ve had 11 mince pies.

“After the initial shock meeting, Jack and his new friend sneak outside and build a snowman, with the monster frequently disappearing behind the garden shed with a roll of toilet paper.

“We then discover he can fly and they soar through the wintry sky to Santa’s workshop at the North Pole, where the monster manages to find a tiny elf toilet just before he shits himself.

“Santa urges Jack to pick a toy, but instead he chooses a pack of Imodium for the monster. It’s a wonderful story about friendship, imagination and recovering from the raging trots.

“The next day Jack wakes up and is sad to think it was just a dream, but then there’s a loud farty squelch from under the bed.”