Absolute wanker has thing about pronouncing foreign words correctly

A PRETENTIOUS knob insists on pronouncing foreign words correctly, it has emerged.

Julian Cook insists on being phonetically correct at all times, especially with commonplace foreign words that all normal people just say in an English way.

Cook said: “I’ve spent all day at ‘I-kay-uhh’ buying some reasonably priced ‘Scandinah-vian’ furniture, and now I think I’ve earned a glass of ‘Mo-et’ or a bottle of ‘Kronenbouuuurge’.

“In fact, I think I’ll enjoy it on my chaise longue while eating a fillet of beef.

“Just testing, obvious you pronounce it ‘feel-eh’. You need to do a special thing with your tongue to get the ‘eh’ sound.”

English people agreed in 1932 that ‘café’ was the limit for pronouncing foreign words correctly, but Cooke continues to flagrantly and knowingly breach conversational etiquette.

Cook’s sister Sandra said: “The only thing worse than hearing Julian roll his r’s in La Tasca is the look on the Domino’s driver’s face when he thanks him for the pepperoni pizza.

“I called him a wanker, but apparently that’s actually a French word that you pronounce ’van-queer’.”

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Woman gets happiness from things she bought

A WOMAN is happy as a result of buying herself some nice things, she has confirmed.

Emma Bradford announced her newfound happiness by unveiling to friends her massive new TV, stylish trainers and top-of-the-line smartphone.

She said: “It’s amazing. I didn’t think any of this would bring me any happiness at all.

“But it has. Loads.

“No two ways about it, I’m definitely happy wearing these trainers and watching The Blue Planet on a screen so good I’ve discovered that fish have pores. So, take that Buddha.”

Fellow happy consumer Wayne Hayes added: “People always tell you that the best things in life are free.

“Those people clearly haven’t just taken delivery of a limited edition pewter model of Predator from the film Predator.

“Luther Vandross, you were so wrong.”