What's the best wine pairing for my current life crisis?

IF YOU’RE having a crisis, don’t just reach for any wine. Read our guide to discover the perfect grape-based alcoholic drink to match your problem.

When you’ve got some shit going on, it’s easy to just grab some wine that costs six quid and has a picture of a tree on it. But the right wine-problem pairing can make a solo drinking session into something sublime.

Take the pressure off your choice with this handy guide.

Midlife crisis
If you can’t afford a poker addiction or taking a year of work to ‘discover yourself’, why not make wine your particular method of facing life’s crushing meaninglessness? A sophisticated, aromatic Gewürztraminer will make you seem more interesting as you weep into it on your first ever Tinder date.

Thinking of voting Conservative
You’re a left-leaning progressive type who has always voted Labour and yet you suspect that Jeremy Corbyn might sub-let your spare bedrooms to Hamas. You’re freaking out because you momentarily entertained voting for the Conservatives. Wash that treacherous thought away with a bottle of sustainably sourced Fairtrade Argentinian Malbec.

Divorce
Wine? No chance. This calls for a bottle of Louis Roederer Cristal Brut champagne. Whether you’re celebrating your escape from the clutches of your ex-nutjob or howling into the bleak void left by their absence, divorce is an excuse to get expensively shitfaced.

Quarter-life crisis
Lost your youthful zest for life and feeling adrift in a universe of generalised anxiety? You might still be too young to have developed a taste for nice wine so start with some Echo Falls rosé. It’s basically alcoholic squash.

Bankruptcy
Buckfast Tonic Wine. ‘Tonic’ being the Latin word for ‘I’ve puked in my shoe but now I feel great’.

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Brexiter strangely quiet about voting for obvious twats

A BREXITER does not want to discuss the fact that he voted for twats like Boris and Gove.

Sales manager Wayne Hayes has been oddly silent ever since it became clear Brexit leaders were either just in it for themselves or fanatical weirdos who obsess about war documentaries.

Friend Martin Bishop said: “If I ask Roy why on earth he voted for self-serving arseholes like Boris he just pretends he needs the toilet.

“When I pointed out people like Gove and John Redwood were clearly not normal long before Brexit, he actually claimed he had to go because his daughter’s gerbil was ill and he needed to check on it.

“I know it’s hard to admit you’re wrong, but not noticing Nigel Farage is a bellend is like not noticing you’ve grown an extra head during the night when you have a shave in the morning.”

Hobbs said: “I didn’t vote for Brexit because of individuals, I voted for tangible things like the Norwegians stealing our fish.

“I admit it’s odd that our brave Brexiteers all just want to be prime minister at any cost, but you don’t want some unambitious slacker in charge of a brilliant project like Brexit.

“I’ve definitely not been avoiding the issue because I’m starting to look like a gullible moron.”