Sarah Palin Summons Forces Of Evil

WHILE the world isn't looking, Sarah Palin has summoned an army of goblins, trolls and giant insects to her Alaskan fortress of evil.

The 'hockey mom' and mental witch queen is believed to be preparing for a climactic battle against all that is good in the world. Experts say she will ride into battle on a 50ft venomous centipede, wearing full body armour that emphasises her oddly alluring breasts, flanked by axe-wielding ogres.

Addressing the demonic horde from her obsidian balcony, she said: "Come forth warlocks, demons, balrogs, all gibbering creatures of the night. I beckon ye to do my bidding.

"Soon the Earth shall be plunged into eternal darkness, and humanity's cries of suffering shall echo throughout the unheeding universe. Yessireebob."

She concluded by promising the assembled horde that once the planet was transformed into the domain of unbridled evil she would reward them all with 'a mighty fine clam bake'.

Her husband, Tom Palin, the self-styled 'first dude of Alaska' has transformed into a hovering abomination that resembles a giant owl pellet covered in acid-spitting anuses, while her children have become giant child-faced spiders.

Palin's neighbour, electrician Tony Bryson, expressed concern at the events: "She always used to say she'd rule the world someday, but we thought that wasn't really something you got to do if you were a total idiot.

"But when a legion of giant scarab beetles crashed through my fence on the way to the Palin house, I thought 'Jesus, she's a trier'."

He added: "She sure is one pure crazy bitch. That said, I would quite like to have sex with her."


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MI6 'Outsourcing Torture To Indian Call Centre'

THE security services have opened a 24-hour torture centre staffed by low-wage Indian workers, it was claimed last night.

Maverick Tory MP David Davis said the government's low-cost torture policy was putting hundreds of experienced British sadists on the dole.

Davis said he had seen leaked documents which described how suspects were flown to India and then locked in a room with a phone.

He added: "When they pick up the handset a friendly female voice says, 'Welcome to Extraordinary Rendition Inc. We value our petrified terror suspects. Press one to be almost drowned in a bucket of piss'."

Martin Bishop, arrested for carrying binoculars near an airport, has been held in a 24-hour detention centre outside Bangalore since March.

He said: "They tore out my fingernails, broke my ribs with a rubber hose, screamed into my face and the whole time I couldn't understand a bloody word they were saying.

"I'm no racialist, but when you think of all those unemployed torturers back in England it makes your blood boil. In the end I had to spell out my name in my own faeces."

Foreign secretary David Miliband admitted the beating up of brown people and plane spotters had been put out to tender, adding: "There have also been a few trial runs abroad involving wet plastic sheeting and car batteries."

Davis said that unless the government was forced into a U-turn, a generation of highly-skilled British maniacs would be forced to take jobs torturing people in Kentucky Fried Chicken.