New Rubik Ball Offers Viable Alternative To Human Contact

THE new Rubik's puzzle can provide a healthy alternative to a sexual relationship and is definitely not a fetish for OCD social misfits, its inventor said last night.

Professor Erno Rubik, who lives alone in a house made of maths, designed 'Lonely-Ball' so that it takes 30 years of relentless, stroke-inducing effort to get some coloured things on it to line up.

But he is unconcerned that obsessive users could die as demented, Gollum look-a-like virgins.

"I believe the pleasure of solving this fiendish logic puzzle will far outweigh any pleasures typically associated with physical proximity to a sexual partner.

"And unlike a female, my new puzzle does not bleed on a monthly basis or have frightening hair in strange, secret places."

The professor added: "Why waste precious ball-time caressing a naked young female's glistening, asymmetric body? It lacks the true clarity of purpose that obsessive devotion to a very difficult mathematical plastic ball toy delivers."

Former postman Wayne Hayes, who spent 24 years completing the Rubik's cube, said: "My wife left me, my daughters disowned me and I ended up sleeping in a pop-up urinal. And I wouldn't change a single thing."

He added: "Now I have a small plastic cube with sides that are all the same colour. And if I really want a wife or girlfriend I can just draw a woman's face on it, like in that film with Tom Hanks and the volleyball."

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RAC Calls For Ban On Clamping Drivers Who Ignore No-Parking Signs

CLAMPING someone who sees a no-parking sign and then blatantly ignores it is a breach of their human rights, the RAC has claimed.

The motoring organisation said thousands of drivers are being forced to pay large fines simply because they think they can park their car wherever they bloody well feel like.

An RAC Foundation spokesman said: “Drivers are too busy to read large yellow signs with big, black letters and confusing messages such as ‘No parking – you will be clamped’. What does that even mean?

“It’s typical of these companies to use this kind of gobble-di-gook. If they mean ‘no parking’ just say ‘no parking’. Perhaps with a large yellow sign and big, black letters.”

He added: “And anyway, most of the signs had fallen off, or the drivers had to park there because their grandmother had just died again, or they have a condition which means they have to go to the toilet every 20 minutes or they will, sadly, poo themselves.”

Tom Logan, director of Utter Fucking Bastards Ltd, a London-based clamping firm, said: “I would not be in the wheel clamping business if I was anything other than an utter fucking bastard.

“But in my defence there is a huge yellow and black sign that says don’t park here or we’ll clamp you.

“There is – and you know there is.”