Prescott phone tap reveals obsession with chip butties and viagra

JOHN Prescott’s obsession with chip butties and erection pills are no-one’s business but his own, the former deputy prime minister said last night.

Mr Prescott has contacted the police amid claims the News of the World illegally intercepted dozens of phone calls in which he is heard ordering the ‘key ingredients’ for his extra-marital intercourse sessions.

It is understood the Prescott phone taps reveal a pattern of high-fat gorging which would reach a peak whenever he was regularly mounting one of his secretaries.

According to News International sources, in one call to a fish and chip shop in Pimlico, Mr Prescott said: “I’ll need about 12, I reckon. The wife’s away so I’ve got a busy night ahead of me, if you catch me drift.”

The next day he is heard leaving a message for ‘Steve’ who, sources believe, supplied Mr Prescott with a type of high-strength Viagra used by men who are so fat they are unable to see their own sex organs.

Mr Prescott is heard saying: “Steve, John here. That stuff were magic. I were like fuckin’ Errol Flynn last night. Gonna need a lot more of that. A lot more.”

Intercepted messages from 1999-2001 have been dubbed Mr Prescott’s ‘biscuit and sex jelly phase’ when the deputy prime minister would order van loads of custard creams while cycle couriers dashed across central London with fresh supplies of K-Y.

And in another call to a handyman based near his Dorneywood mansion, Mr Prescott said: “Hello Geoff, it’s the deputy prime minister. Just wonderin’ how yer gettin’ on smoothin’ the bite marks out of me croquet mallet.

“I know I’m not supposed to eat them but it looked like a Swiss roll on a stick. Gimme a shout.”

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Reduced Choice For Tosspots

TOSSPOTS with ironic T-shirts and trendy gadgets have lost yet another place to piss people off after the collapse of Coffee Republic.

The company, which offered 'cutting-edge caffeine solutions for self-employed trustafarians', went into administration yesterday leaving thousands of thirty-something teenagers Bluetoothing La Roux songs to each other in car parks.

Julian Cook, a 32-year-old bastard from Camden, said: "I'll soon be forced to sit on park benches with a flask of Maxwell House and angle my laptop in just the right way so that people can see what I'm doing."

The company went under despite a spring poster campaign designed to consolidate its market leading position as the espresso facilitator for dicks.

One advert saw Jude Law licking his Blackberry and holding a Venti Tosserrtino with a kiwi fruit twist, while another featured Lady Gaga listening to an iPhone while douching herself with a Grande Iced Mochatwattish.

Martin Bishop, from Madeley Finnegan, said: "The name 'Coffee Republic' made it sound like a groovy co-operative run along trendy socialist principles, instead of an all too willing participant in the free market which has now closed it down."

Coffee Republic is the latest toss-pit to fold after a year which has decimated the metropolitan DJ boutique scene and closed down dozens of badly-lit bars specialising in Cambodian cheese beer.

Tom Booker, a former bank manager from London, said: "I've lost my job, my home and all my savings, but if that means the pavements aren't littered with the brand of twat you see in Skins then it's got to be worth it."