A RANGE of pre-digested foods aimed at consumers who are too busy for normal metabolic function has hit the shelves of UK superstores.
Turd-To-Go is a range of ready-excreted frozen stools, with options including Cod in Cheesey Sauce and Herefordshire Trifle.
Marketing director Stephen Malley said: "It's a turbo-paced, helter-skelter, blink-and-you-miss-it world out there. If you stop to push food into your head you will, literally, get trampled like the Lion King's dad.'
He added: "Eating creates washing up and gives you cancer. So we've let our expert team of digesters take care of it for you, producing perfectly formed turds that you can flush straight down the loo."
Wayne Hayes, a level two digester at Turd-To-Go's Wolverhampton processing plant, said: "I'm in charge of stew. I eat a bucket of the stuff, followed by a litre of strong black coffee to zip things along, then I just sit on the throne with my puzzle magazine and wait for the product to emerge."
Turd-To-Go has recently come under fire from nutritionists because its budget line, Value Shit, is processed by a team of alsatians.
Mr Malley said: "Obviously a big dog can fire out much greater volumes of lasagne than a human.
"On one level yes, Value Shits are dog turds, but they're done by professional dogs who really enjoy their food, at a price your pocket will love."
Shopper Morag Lewton, from Stroud, said: "I'm a busy working mum juggling three kids, Pilates, a cheating husband and a newspaper column about how busy I am."
She added: "Turd-To-Go's frozen bowel movements are marvellously consistent, and it always looks like the food would have been delicious. I stick one down the pan for each member of the household, and tell them afterwards what they had for tea."