Supermarkets To Sell Pre-Digested Food

A RANGE of pre-digested foods aimed at consumers who are too busy for normal metabolic function has hit the shelves of UK superstores.

Turd-To-Go is a range of ready-excreted frozen stools, with options including Cod in Cheesey Sauce and Herefordshire Trifle.

Marketing director Stephen Malley said: "It's a turbo-paced, helter-skelter, blink-and-you-miss-it world out there. If you stop to push food into your head you will, literally, get trampled like the Lion King's dad.'

He added: "Eating creates washing up and gives you cancer. So we've let our expert team of digesters take care of it for you, producing perfectly formed turds that you can flush straight down the loo."

Wayne Hayes, a level two digester at Turd-To-Go's Wolverhampton processing plant, said: "I'm in charge of stew. I eat a bucket of the stuff, followed by a litre of strong black coffee to zip things along, then I just sit on the throne with my puzzle magazine and wait for the product to emerge."

Turd-To-Go has recently come under fire from nutritionists because its budget line, Value Shit, is processed by a team of alsatians.

Mr Malley said: "Obviously a big dog can fire out much greater volumes of lasagne than a human.

"On one level yes, Value Shits are dog turds, but they're done by professional dogs who really enjoy their food, at a price your pocket will love."

Shopper Morag Lewton, from Stroud, said: "I'm a busy working mum juggling three kids, Pilates, a cheating husband and a newspaper column about how busy I am."

She added: "Turd-To-Go's frozen bowel movements are marvellously consistent, and it always looks like the food would have been delicious. I stick one down the pan for each member of the household, and tell them afterwards what they had for tea."

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Scientists Invent Dildo That Can Remove Spiders

MEN were declared obsolete last night after scientists finally perfected a dildo that can remove spiders from a bathtub.

The invention, described as the 'Holy Grail of dildo technology' will come with a free scrunchy and a bag of synthetic sperm and be in the shops in time for a man-free Christmas.

Inventor Professor Holly Brubaker said: "Upon discovering a spider the woman simply points the dildo at it and presses the big, pink button marked 'icky spider'.

"The dildo will emit an ultrasonic pulse and the spider will then run as fast as it can for the nearest available exit."

She added: "The woman can then return to pleasuring herself by candlelight while eating a big bowl of chocolate buttons and reading about the fat parts of all the celebrities she watches on Living TV."

News of the breakthrough has led to a wave of nostalgia among women for the men they will soon be chasing down the garden path with one of their own golf clubs.

Emma Bradford, from Peterborough, said: "I think what I'll miss most is being spoken to like a child by someone who thinks he's the cleverest person in the world because he read the answers to all the Trivial Pursuit questions when he was 15."

Jane Gerving, from Hatfield, said: "I'll miss living with the funniest man in the universe. He's just so very fucking funny. All the time."

She added: "And of course, I'll miss the farts. The unrelenting tsunami of God awful, eye-watering, gut-wrenching farts."

Tom Logan, a pointless unit from Doncaster, said: "I got rid of a bat once. Can your dildo get rid of a bat?"

Scientists now predict the last man will have the last wank sometime in 2093.