Earliest Bible Clearly A Novel

THE Codex Sinaiticus, believed to be the oldest surviving Bible, features a garish embossed cover and an endorsement from the Emperor Constantine describing it as a 'supernatural page-turner par excellence'.

According to the latest research by scholars and theologians, the Bible was conceived as the ancient equivalent of a Clive Cussler novel.

Dr Martin Bishop, head of scriptural studies at the University of Geneva, said: "In the early 4th Century there was a lucrative market for big, thick blockbusters featuring complicated plots and lots of explosions. The sort of thing a middle-aged Roman could read in the spa or when travelling to invasions.

"The title is written in big gold letters that give a sort of 3D effect with the tagline, 'They thought they could question God's plan for mankind… They were WRONG.' There's a blurb on the back and some numerals which are probably an early ISBN number."

The Codex is inscribed 'To Emma, with love and thanks for all the biscuits' and at the end has a series of short adverts for other popular titles including 'A Slave Called 'It'' and 'The Gladiator With The Dragon Tattoo'.

Dr Bishop added: "We believe the New Testament was a sequel, rush-released in response to the popularity of the original. Clearly it wasn't successful or they would just have kept churning one out every couple of years."

He continued: "Early editions are described as 'thrilling' or a 'tour de force' while the later editions are described as 'un-put-down-able' mainly because you had to read it or else they would kill you."
Noted thriller writer and priest Rev. Bill McKay said: "Whether or not you believe the world was made by an omniscient celestial entity, in seven days and at a point in history shortly after the domestication of dogs, it's still a cracking good read.

"With sexy, in-your-face characters, exotic, sexy locations and a brilliantly original and very sexy plot, it makes Philip Pullman and his atheist polar bears look like a right load of old shit."

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Ryanair May Be Irish, Say Experts

LOW-COST airline Ryanair may be an Irish company, it was claimed last night.

Aviation experts said that expecting passengers to stand for an entire journey on board a plane travelling at 400mph and vulnerable to turbulence and sudden, sharp descents did have a 'flavour of the Emerald Isle about it'.

Tom Logan, from Brunel University, said: "As far as we're aware most of their flights are vaguely on time and the whole thing is reasonably piss-free and efficient, so we knew they weren't English.

"And of course there are no planes in Wales because of their fear of dragons, so we were able to rule that out.

"Then we noticed they were always in the newspapers for horrible, mean-spirited ideas designed to accumulate as much money as possible with no regard for anyone else, so we just assumed they were Scottish.

"But now with the 'standing up on a plane' idea it seems they may actually be from Ireland."

Ryanair boss Michael O'Leary said if there was no standing room left then passengers could be strapped to the roof or hang from the engines on a rope.

He added: "Thousands of people stand on tube trains every day. I completely fail to see to the difference.

"Sure, the tube tends to stay below 30,000 feet and seldom goes over 400mph, but I think there's a big market for people who think a long weekend in Gdansk is worth dying for."

A spokesman for the Civil Aviation Authority said: "He's like a cross between Willy Wonka and a leprechaun that was abused as a child. It's endearing and terrifying in equal measure."