THE world became a safer place last night after the United States and Russia agreed to keep just enough nuclear weapons to kill every living thing on the face of the Earth twice.
President Obama and President Medvedev signed a historic agreement in Moscow which means there can now be only one encore to you and everything you have ever known being incinerated in a boiling cauldron of white-hot death.
A US State Department spokesman said: “At the beginning of the 1980s we had enough weapons to kill everything eight times.
“But of course back then, in the age of Spandau Ballet and The Dukes of Hazzard, it was very fashionable to be able to kill things at least six times, preferably nine.
“In the southern US states convicted murderers would be executed at least seven times. In Texas they would strap you to the chair, electrocute you, remove you, and then repeat the process up to 14 times depending on the television schedules.”
He added: “But the relationship between the United States and Russia has evolved and matured over the years and we have gradually reduced our ability to kill everything at least eight times to the point where we can now merely kill absolutely everything twice.
“And let’s not forget that only 16 million people have been killed in wars since 1950, so it’s working incredibly well.”
Dr Julian Cook, of the Institute for Studies, said: “One of the missiles is being constantly moved around on a big trolley so that it’s always pointed at wherever Osama Bin Laden is currently rumoured to be.
“Apart from that we’re not entirely sure what the rest of them are for. Pakistan and India have their missiles pointed at each other, while North Korea has only just started making pizzas so I suspect their nuclear weapons won’t be ready for quite some time.”
He added: “Then again, the French do have independent nuclear missiles, so I suppose it does make sense to retain the option of killing everything in France at least twice.”