Is Formula One The New 'Odessa'?

FORMULA One has taken on the role and responsibilities of 'Odessa', the support network for fugitive Nazis, it was claimed last night.

Officials at the Simon Wiesenthal Centre said their suspicions were raised when no Jewish drivers were included for the 59th year in a row, as well as  the fact that F1 boss Bernie Ecclestone seems to love Hitler.

A spokesman said: "The leading team is called 'Brawn'. This is clearly an Anglified version of 'Braun', or as it would be in Germany, 'Von Braun'. 

"They have taken their V2 rocket-building skills and created what is obviously a violently anti-semitic racing car."

He added: "We now believe the 'Boys from Brazil' was a secret project to clone not only Hitler, but Nelson Piquet and Ayrton Senna. The result was Rubens Barrichello. It didn't work."

Ecclestone has been under pressure in recent months following his divorce from his massive, Aryan wife, while a group of F1 teams have threatened to set up a break- away series known as the 'Master Races'.

But friends of Ecclestone rejected the claims, insisting he admires all kinds of dictators, not just Hitler.

One friend added: "The thing you have to remember about Bernie is that he's very, very small."

International motorsport boss Max Mosley said he would consider the claims as soon as he had finished having his bare buttocks thrashed by a gang of whores who spoke German but were obviously not Nazis.

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Owen Breaks Wrist During Contract Signing

MICHAEL Owen has begun his Manchester United career by breaking his wrist in three places while attempting to sign his new contract.

According to the club, Owen passed the medical and then punched the air in delight, slightly spraining his shoulder.

A club spokesman said: "We hoped he would recover quickly after the medical and could at least take part in the first half of the contact signing, but the fountain pen was just too heavy.

"His agent was able to move his hand to form a legally binding signature but then, when Sir Alex congratulated him, he just fell to bits and had to be shovelled-up and carried out in a couple of wheelbarrows."

Owen, currently recuperating in the Louis Saha Memorial Injury Suite, will meet the rest of his team-mates over the next few weeks as they fall apart during pre-season training.

Former Man United player Stephen Malley, said: "The gaffer feels Michael can supply something different  as none of the lads have experience of wearing ankle casts on the continent. And he can also teach some of the younger strikers his agonised thigh-clutching technique."

Charlie Reeves, a United fan from Surrey, said: "I remember that goal he scored for England when he was 12. Marvellous. His cheeky little face made him look like one of the sprites from The Magic Flute.

"And now he is playing for my favourite team unless I start supporting Liverpool or Chelsea, or that one with all the nice Jewish people."