Scaremongering about Ukrainian immigrants to begin on Wednesday

UKRAINIAN stereotypes are to be launched this week, say leading xenophobes.

Journalist Tom Logan said: “With the situation there moving so quickly, I’m working around the clock to construct a racist interpretation of the typical Ukrainian who will be flooding these shores.

“According to Google they look quite like us. But do they wear furry hats? Because that would be helpful for singling-out purposes.

“I can however confirm that their flag looks like a ZX Spectrum loading screen.”

38-year-old racist Nikki Hollis said: “Don’t buy that stuff about free and fair elections, they just want a council flat in Hull with taxpayer-funded Sky telly.

“I only heard of the Ukraine last week but I can hate any nationality pretty much from a standing start, it’s one of my strengths.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Piers Morgan to interview volleyballs in his shed

PIERS Morgan will continue his glittering career by sitting in his shed, interviewing volleyballs with faces painted on them

Morgan was axed by CNN a full 36 months after every single person in the world asked why, in the name of god, he was being given a chat show on CNN.

He will go into his shed and start talking to volleyballs next month, unless he has to go to a police station again.

A source close to Morgan said: “Piers is not a complete cretin. He knew this day would come so he’s spent the last three years painting famous faces onto hundreds of volleyballs.

“He’s got a Bob Dylan volleyball, a Hillary Clinton volleyball and a Tom Hanks volleyball, which he thinks is incredibly clever.”

The source added: “He’s got a desk and a folding chair and he’s written ‘Piers Morgan Tonight’ on a bed sheet which will be pinned to the back wall.

“He’s also made a ‘camera’ from a cereal box and a plastic cup.”

It is understood Morgan will recreate each of his CNN interviews, over and over again, by asking the original questions and then replaying the audio of his guests’ replies.

Meanwhile his long-suffering wife will touch-up his make up and bring him fancy coffee during the ‘adverts’.

Experts stressed that Morgan no longer needed to earn any money because the world is a ghastly place where talent counts for nothing.