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Human intelligence to fall below level of household appliances

AVERAGE human intelligence will soon be surpassed by that of a toasted sandwich maker, experts have claimed.

It had been thought that the ‘singularity’ – the moment when machine intelligence overtakes that of humans – would be triggered by improved robot technology.

However scientists have revealed that all machines have to do is stay the same while human intelligence continues to plummet.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Machines don’t need to improve. They just need to not break for a few years and they’ll be the de facto rulers of an increasingly moronic human race.

“Already we’re seeing a disparity of usefulness. A toasted sandwich machine can heat bread and cheese to a desired temperature, whereas a human must operate at maximum capacity to sit on a sofa watching a boy band member eat an elk gonad.”

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North Sea oil demands independence from Scotland

THE North Sea’s oil and gas fields have mounted a campaign to cut all ties with Scotland and govern themselves.

The region, inhabited only by haggard porn addicts on oil rigs, would instantly be one of the world’s richest countries per capita and a perfect low-tax residence for major Conservative Party donors.

Oil well Tom Booker, who holds 2.6 million barrels, said: “We’ve had enough of Edinburgh draining us dry.

“At first I was like yeah, sure I got more crude than I need, but they go deeper and deeper and take and take and give nothing in return.

“What if we need all that oil and gas for something, for example the volcanic eruption which will crack the crust of the Earth and awaken giant monsters we’ve got planned for 2019?”

The natural resources of the North Sea have agreed that Dogger Bank will be their capital, which should boost tourism, and that they will keep the pound and all the other millions of pounds.

If successful, the change will mean that anyone venturing into the sea from Scottish beaches will need a passport, as well as a wetsuit and a hypothermia team on standby.

SNP leader Alex Salmond begged: “Please, please, not the oil. Please don’t take it. We love it so, so much.”

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