Shanghai pigs killed by mermaid hen party

THE large number of dead pigs found in a Shanghai river is the result of a mermaid hen party, it has emerged.

2,000 pig carcasses were pulled from the Huangpu river, in an area where garish 80s bars cater to pre-marital mermaids.

25 mermaid bachelorettes had attended a £1.50 Jagerbomb night at the Bar ‘Maid shooter lounge in the riverside party district.

Mer-hen Nikki Hollis said: “The night began brilliantly. We had these hilarious glittery cowboy hats and even managed to get a porpoise to sign the bride’s boobs.

“But what us sirens really love is hot guys. Not the kind with feather cuts and charity shop jumpers, but real men with gruff voices and tattoos.

“After our nineteenth round, when I saw thousands of stocky, shirtless guys partying on the banks, I was like “Okay, who paid for this?”

“But the girls weren’t listening because they were on those dudes like a pack of screaming nympho piranhas.

“The last I remember I was trying to do a cartwheel for this one who I swear looked just like Taylor Lautner.

“It was fun at the time but now it’s fucking brutal. A few of the girls are already complaining of itching and burning.

“Oh Christ, has anyone checked Facebook?”



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Osborne putting off doing Budget

GEORGE Osborne is putting off doing the Budget with a series of trivial distractions.

Senior Tories believe the chancellor is avoiding the Budget with activities such as rearranging his CD collection and playing World of Tanks.

David Cameron said: “I know the Budget is boring, but George really needs to knuckle down or he’ll just have to make it up on the spot like last year.

“Whenever I ask him how it’s going, he just goes ‘yeah, good’ then says he’s got to clean the cooker or something.

“I keep telling him that how we spend £690bn is more important than selling the old rowing machine he never uses on eBay. And the Budget only happens once a year, whereas he can take his old paperbacks to Sue Ryder any time.

“If it’s just pensioners getting fucked again I’ll know he’s not even tried to do anything original.”

Osborne reacted angrily to suggestions that he was avoiding doing the Budget, saying that Facebook is a vital part of his communications strategy.

He added: “There’s loads of time. Anyway that’s how I work best, staying up the night before a deadline with a shitload of energy drinks and a grab bag of Starburst.”