DAVID Cameron has ditched plans for minimum alcohol pricing after a revolt by the Cabinet’s problem drinkers.
Ministers who hit it really hard at least three times a week backed the prime minister into a corner and spoke to him at an uncomfortably close range.
Home secretary Theresa May said: “I told him ‘you don’t know anything about me’. I said to him ‘you’re doing it all wrong, you’re shit at this, let me do it’.
“You agree with me, right? You and me have always been very you know. The thing about me, right – the thing about me – is that I know what’s really going on. You know behind the scenes. I’m very good at that.”
Michael Gove said: “Fuckin’ minimum what? Fuckin’ what? Fuck you. No, fuck you. NO, FUCK YOU.
“You got any fags on you?”
A Downing Street spokesman said: “Mrs May and Mr Gove were both quite intimidating in the cabinet meeting. There was definitely an air of menace that could have led to someone falling over.
“But in actual fact the prime minister made the decision after setting an upper limit on how much he wants to be despised by everyone.
“A deeply unpopular man has decided not to make a thing you really enjoy even more expensive. That is basically it.”
May added: “I’ve only had two glasses of wine. I just didn’t have any lunch, that’s all.
“Touch my bum.”