Shit-faced Theresa May in minimum price revolt

DAVID Cameron has ditched plans for minimum alcohol pricing after a revolt by the Cabinet’s problem drinkers.

Ministers who hit it really hard at least three times a week backed the prime minister into a corner and spoke to him at an uncomfortably close range.

Home secretary Theresa May said: “I told him ‘you don’t know anything about me’. I said to him ‘you’re doing it all wrong, you’re shit at this, let me do it’.

“You agree with me, right? You and me have always been very… you know. The thing about me, right – the thing about me – is that I know what’s really going on. You know… behind the scenes. I’m very good at that.”

Michael Gove said: “Fuckin’ minimum what? Fuckin’… what?  Fuck you. No, fuck you. NO, FUCK YOU.

“You got any fags on you?”

A Downing Street spokesman said: “Mrs May and Mr Gove were both quite intimidating in the cabinet meeting. There was definitely an air of menace that could have led to someone falling over.

“But in actual fact the prime minister made the decision after setting an upper limit on how much he wants to be despised by everyone.

“A deeply unpopular man has decided not to make a thing you really enjoy even more expensive. That is basically it.”

May added: “I’ve only had two glasses of wine. I just didn’t have any lunch, that’s all.

“Touch my bum.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
In the current cold weather, spare a thought for the elderly. Sat watching Cash In The Attic and eating digestives while you’re out at work, the skiving bastards.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You’ve always liked to relax with a really hot bath and a load of gin, just like your mum did when she first found out she was having you.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You still find air travel glamorous. Plus the terminal Wetherspoons is the only place you can drink at 6am without being judged.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Jimmy doesn’t appreciate your attempt at humour when, during a family funeral, you say “Well, that’s another Nail in the coffin”.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
It’s annoying the way supermarkets try to up-sell products. Why can’t they stock single Shakurs?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Congratulations – you lose several pounds this week when you have your foot amputated.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Everyone at work dresses up to raise money for Comic Relief but you’re the only one who has to see HR on Monday as your costume is deemed “A bit too Klan-y”.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Unable to afford Cheltenham this year, you get your gambling fix by strapping your toddlers to dogs and driving up the road trailing a pork chop.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
A series of misunderstandings finds you landing the job of Indonesian foreign secretary by Saturday teatime. So you’d better Sky+ Take Me Out.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Two wrongs don’t make a right but they do mark the start of a self-destructive pattern of behaviour that will ultimately rob you of any chance at happiness. As your old nan used to say.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week you watch a documentary on why thumbs are so useful. Gripping stuff.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The tumbrils have sounded and blue is go. Blue is go. Godspeed.