ABROAD? You’ll happily trek over a mountain to see a 300-year-old pipe organ. You wouldn’t give a shit for any of these if they were in Morecambe:
Blarney Stone
It’s a f**king rock. A rock in a castle not far from Cork that thousands of gullible Americans visit to kiss, believing it’ll give them eloquence. Frankly there are easier ways of getting herpes. If it wasn’t bolstered by questionable stereotypes of the Irish and was in Hull, nobody would waste their time.
The Hollywood Walk of Fame
America has a lock on stars, and the Walk of Fame celebrates them all. All of them. Hundreds upon hundreds of people you’ve never heard of. For every Keanu Reeves there’s a Morris Stoloff. But you still walk along it, spotting names, whereas if paving slabs in Bromley bore the names of Timmy Mallett and Peter Howitt you’d go to the pub halfway along.
Manneken Pis
You would not look twice at a statue of a urinating boy if it was in your friend’s garden. If a neighbour had one you’d complain about its effect on property values. Put it in Brussels and an unfunny joke cast in bronze is an absolute must-see, though not to be recreated for photos.
Leaning Tower of Pisa
In Italy, an old tower suffering catastrophic subsidence is celebrated. In Britain, it would be the subject of a long-running dispute between builders and the relevant council, heavily featuring on regional radio phone-ins. Visiting the tower would be prohibited on health and safety grounds, and it would soon be demolished for flats.
Mount Rushmore
Gammons would go wild if there was a giant likeness of Winston Churchill’s face carved into the side of a cliff – but after that, in terms of political heavyweights, it’s slim pickings. Clement Attlee? Disraeli? Can you honestly imagine standing for your selfie in front of the 55ft limestone face of Tony Blair?
Oktoberfest
Everyone knows the image: a busty fraulein in a low-cut dirndl carries six brimming steins of beer. But she wants nothing to do with you after she’s brought the beer, and beer is available everywhere. There’s a beer festival in Wrexham this weekend. Statistically there will also be a big-boobed lady not interested in you. Are you rushing there? No?
