Woman horrified to learn she is 'one that got away'

A WOMAN has learned that a man she barely remembers from years ago has classed her as ‘the one that got away’. 

Emma Bradford knew Oliver O’Connor briefly at university and has never given him a thought since, only to find out through friends that even in his mid-30s he still considers her his almost-was.

She said: “Oli? Dogshit-on-his-shoe-in-the-cosmology-lecture Oli? On what f**king basis did he decide this?

“It’s not unilateral. There have to be late-night moments, unexpressed yearnings, stolen looks and a tacit acknowledgement that if things were different, maybe. You can’t just pick someone pretty and say ‘you’.

“It sickens me to think I’ve been lingering in his fantasies all these years without having signed so much as a consent form.”

O’Connor said: “I’m happily married now and I love my wife. But Emma and I shared a connection that happens once in a lifetime. We never acknowledged it but it was definitely there.

“In the end, it wasn’t the right time for either of us. I often wonder how things would have turned out if we’d both been a little bit braver. I know she still thinks of me, too.

“Oh, someone’s texted. It says ‘This is Emma from uni. Never happen.’”

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Barbie, and other films with incredibly confusing messages

THE triumphant Barbie movie tells audiences men are brutes who must be stripped of their democratic rights and kept as pets. What other films have jarring subtexts?

Apocalypse Now, 1979

An arty-yet-gritty account of humans going off the rails in ‘Nam, as when US soldiers massacre Vietnamese civilians for protecting a puppy. The subtext? ‘How cool is war, guys?’ Thrilling combat sequences, Ride of the Valkyries, the abandonment of all morality: you leave thinking ‘war is excellent, and I would like to shoot people from a helicopter’.

The Godfather, 1972

There’s good organised crime, you see, and bad organised crime. The dividing line is drugs and Vito Corleone is dead against them. Robberies, beatings, extortion, torture and shootings are all fine. So when you’re having your fingers severed, you’re assured it’s all in accordance with the mafia’s code of honour and that’s so comforting.

Thelma and Louise, 1991

A classic movie: great script, great direction, and a feminist message expounded by events not didactic monologues. All good, except in the motel sex scene there’s a lingering close-up of Geena Davis’ crotch which sits rather awkwardly with the rest of the film’s message and stays in the memory long after they’ve plunged into the Grand Canyon.

Saw, 2004

The traps in Saw can make the victims look at their lives from a new angle. One victim was so inspired she gave up drugs and turned over a new leaf as a serial killer. So if your friend’s an addict, depressed or has mild OCD, pop them in a monstrous metal mask that will rip their jaw off if they can’t solve a puzzle against the clock. They’ll thank you.

Straw Dogs, 1971

The rape scene is indefensible, but causes the overall message of the film to be overlooked. Dustin Hoffman overcomes being a sensitive, troubled nerd and blossoms into a macho, territorial killer who sticks someone’s head in a bear trap. Truly a magical journey of self-discovery, and how every man should be.

Moonlight, 2016

An Oscar-winner about black lives, which would be cause for celebration if its message wasn’t that black men are born into misery, their lives are unabated ordeals of suffering and if they’re gay they will never know intimacy or love of any kind. Black audiences must have been so pleased to see their truths represented on screen.

Barbie, 2023

In Barbieland, Kens are purposeless morons. In the real world, men are sexually harassing morons. Women, whether plastic or real, are amazing in all respects. Therefore men exist to be subjugated. The film’s other message: if you’re making a comedy loaded with simplistic feminism that isn’t really for kids, make sure your marketing lies about it.