So, How Was That Going To Work? Everyone Asks Family Of Dead Japanese Guy

THE relatives pocketing the pension of a Japanese man who had been dead in his bed for 30 years were last night asked exactly how they thought this was going to pan out.

Sogen Kato was thought to be the oldest man in Tokyo until local officials offered him a piece of cake to celebrate his 111th birthday and his nose fell off.

A Tokyo City council spokesman said: “The grand-daughter picked up the nose and tried to stick it back on saying, ‘oh, it does that all the time, doesn’t it grandad?’.

“We then noticed a couple of other clues. One, he’d been very quiet since we arrived, and two, he didn’t have any eyes.

“But it was only when we all shouted ‘Mr Kato, we have cake for you’ as loud as we could that we realised he was probably dead.”

Helen Archer, some opinionated cow from Hatfield, said: “At which birthday were they going to stop. The 135th? The 190th?

“Or perhaps he was to be passed down through the generations, each one pocketing the pension of the unbelievably old man with the detachable nose.

“You can really only do Weekend at Bernie’s with a brand new corpse. If you try and do it with a skeletal mummy that’s 30 years-old someone is eventually going to twig.”

And Bill McKay, some arse from York, said: “If you try and make out that your grandad is still going strong at 135 then somebody in the pension office is going to notice that and there’s a good chance they’re then going to phone the Guinness Book of Records.

“They are then going to turn up with a photographer and the expectation of a pulse. And even though old Norris McWhirter has long since passed, those boys are no chumps. They verify old people’s ages all the time and they’ve gotten very good at telling whether or not someone’s incredibly dead.”

He added: “They could at least have bunged him in the fridge or hired a ventriloquist.”


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New Bank Pledges To Openly Despise Its Customers

BRITAIN’S newest high street bank has promised not to pretend to be your friend.

FuckYouScum has promised ‘an honest approach to bank-vermin relations’, offering accounts with names like Dog, Pleb and Scum Plus, as well as an offset mortgage called Your Stupid Bovine Greed Will Destroy You.

A spokesman said: “Our contempt towards customers is openly expressed. It saves us money on colourful leaflets with pictures of cartoon families driving charabancs and avuncular staff who ask you where you’re going on your shitty fucking holiday.

“We then use this money to buy beautiful things for our favourite whores.”

He added: “If you ring us and we decide to answer the phone, we won’t then send you numerous text messages asking for your ‘feedback’. We couldn’t give a dead hyena’s rotting scrotum what you ‘fink’, you illiterate sack of shit.

“Our only promise to you is that we will have a fantastic time with the unfathomable amounts of money we shall make from your pointless, constantly overdrawn, hand-to-mouth so-called life.

“We will have massive boats, elegant cars, and helicopters stuffed with delicious truffles and the kind of heartbreakingly beautiful Russian prostitutes who would have been married to handsome fairytale princes in a world less wretchedly evil than the one we have deliberately created.

“And if you try to steal our pens, we’ll shoot you right in the fucking heart.”

Teacher, Roy Hobbs, said: “What a breath of fresh air. My current bank manager acts like my friend, but I don’t think he is. I think he wants to open up my chest with a bowie knife, rip out my lungs and eat them in front of me while his staff sit around pretending to run a radio station.

“Plus, they never have any pens.”