A SHORTAGE of places in Hell means that the damned will be made to party in Magaluf for all eternity.
An outsourcing arrangement between the Devil and the Spanish government means that sinners will have to endure hostile bouncers, foam cannons and strangers vomiting on them for an infinite period of time.
Satan said: “Some people might think Magaluf is a soft option compared with Hell. I’d suggest they have never listened to Who Let The Dogs Out? for aeons.
“After a few days of constant pounding hangover and itchy STDs from joyless sex with dog-rough strangers from Bolton, most of them are begging to go back to the flaming rectal pitchforks.
“Even the blowjob competitions have them sobbing with self-loathing after a few weeks.”
Sinner Julian Cook said: “I would give anything for a non-alcoholic drink for a few precious moments of not feeling dizzy and nauseous, but unfortunately I did loads of crime when I was alive.
“The drunken injuries are the worst bit. I’ve fractured my skull 114 times now from collapsing while pissed, and if I crash a scooter into a wall I just get brought back to life to do it again.”