Souls of the damned sent to Magaluf

A SHORTAGE of places in Hell means that the damned will be made to party in Magaluf for all eternity.

An outsourcing arrangement between the Devil and the Spanish government means that sinners will have to endure hostile bouncers, foam cannons and strangers vomiting on them for an infinite period of time.    

Satan said: “Some people might think Magaluf is a soft option compared with Hell. I’d suggest they have never listened to Who Let The Dogs Out? for aeons.

“After a few days of constant pounding hangover and itchy STDs from joyless sex with dog-rough strangers from Bolton, most of them are begging to go back to the flaming rectal pitchforks.

“Even the blowjob competitions have them sobbing with self-loathing after a few weeks.”

Sinner Julian Cook said: “I would give anything for a non-alcoholic drink for a few precious moments of not feeling dizzy and nauseous, but unfortunately I did loads of crime when I was alive.

“The drunken injuries are the worst bit. I’ve fractured my skull 114 times now from collapsing while pissed, and if I crash a scooter into a wall I just get brought back to life to do it again.”

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Thomas the Tank Engine like Britain because he constantly f**ks up, says Cameron

THE prime minister has likened the UK to Thomas the Tank Engine, who is alway the direct cause of disaster.

The blue E2 Class locomotive roams the Isle of Sodor causing crashes, landslides and riots with imbecilic misapprehensions and an inability to keep his mouth shut. 

Cameron said: “Thomas only wants to be a really useful engine, but his blundering efforts always end with something going off a precipice, very much like this sceptered isle. 

“Our  attempts to do the right thing in Iraq are just like when Thomas charged through the tunnel from Misty Island, getting himself and three native engines who said not to, trapped and in great danger.  

“Though Day of the Diesels is more about US segregation and the civil rights movement. Diesel 10 is Malcolm X.”

Cameron admitted he was the model for arrogant posh express train Spencer as a 12-year-old boy in 2003 before likening Alex Salmond to Emily the steam engine and Nick Clegg to Toby the Tram.