Spanish Prostitutes Order New Fitted Kitchens

PROSTITUTES across Spain are ordering a range of home improvements after their earning estimates for next year were revised upwards.

According to the Instituto Español de Skankeros, its members can expect at least a 25% pay increase after Sir Alex Ferguson decided Wayne Rooney is too dirty to play for Manchester United.

A spokesman said: “In these straightened times this will give our members much needed security. They can make plans, invest in their homes and pay down debt.

“This is how British Aerospace must feel when Saudia Arabia decides it wants some new planes.”

The spokesman added: “While we understand that Senor Rooney has promised his wife he will never use prostitutes again, it is also the case that she will be away on business a lot and he is very ugly.”

Adriana Herez, a 32 year-old prostitute from Valencia, said: “Real Madrid play here twice a year so that should get me a low mileage Seat Ibiza and an en-suite bathroom.

“It is like I have reached into a mountain stream and found a horribly disfigured golden nugget.”

Meanwhile Rooney is expected to take a short break from football in the new year to star in the film version of The Hobbit.

Rooney will play either Thorin the Dwarf or the Lonely Mountain alongside Martin Freeman’s portrayal of Bilbo Baggins as a sightly bemused trainee accountant from Surrey.

Producer Peter Jackson said: “The plot immediately struck a chord with Wayne, focussing as it does on a stumpy bloke with big feet from a backwards part of the world who is obsessed with gold.

“The only thing Tolkien missed out was the bit where Bilbo gets caught up to his hairy Hobbit sack in ancient Middle Earth fanny.”

 

 

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Office Christmas Meal Unavoidable, Say Experts

AS Christmas menus appear in offices across the country, Britain’s workers are facing up to another festive evening of compulsory enjoyment.

Experts have already warned desperate staff not to even bother devising an excuse, stressing it will suck you in like a black hole full of bastards.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “You’ll claim it’s about the free food. But of course it’s not.

“Even the people you like are still technically ‘work friends’ and therefore impossible to sustain a conversation with for over 45 minutes without resorting to forthcoming holidays or the fascinating patterns in the tablecloth.

“One alternative is to neck the Ukrainian Chardonnay and let your simmering resentments manifest themselves in an explosion of profanity and unreasonably harsh truths. But if you get out of this particular boat, you have to be prepared to go all the way.”

He added: “There is the nuclear option of getting yourself arrested the afternoon before, but that’s a one-off. And you can’t get uninvited. Even if you burst someone’s eyeball with a fork the year before, they are going to ask you again.

“Because no-one must be allowed to miss out. On the fun.”

Mid-level sales drone Tom Logan said: “The menu arrived in my inbox today and now it just sits there staring at me like some coiled viper.”

He added: “Surely, in theory, this vile charade is about maintaining staff morale. But I am the staff. And I do not want to go.

“Fuck this shit. Maybe I can just ring up on the night and say my wife’s been eaten by a wolf.”

Marketing executive Emma Bradford said: “Getting arrested isn’t actually too bad. The standard custody menu consists of microwaved lasagne or a scrambled egg roll.

“And they give you an old magazine with all the crosswords already filled in. It’s fine.”