PROSTITUTES across Spain are ordering a range of home improvements after their earning estimates for next year were revised upwards.
According to the Instituto EspaÃ±ol de Skankeros, its members can expect at least a 25% pay increase after Sir Alex Ferguson decided Wayne Rooney is too dirty to play for Manchester United.
A spokesman said: “In these straightened times this will give our members much needed security. They can make plans, invest in their homes and pay down debt.
“This is how British Aerospace must feel when Saudia Arabia decides it wants some new planes.”
The spokesman added: “While we understand that Senor Rooney has promised his wife he will never use prostitutes again, it is also the case that she will be away on business a lot and he is very ugly.”
Adriana Herez, a 32 year-old prostitute from Valencia, said: “Real Madrid play here twice a year so that should get me a low mileage Seat Ibiza and an en-suite bathroom.
“It is like I have reached into a mountain stream and found a horribly disfigured golden nugget.”
Meanwhile Rooney is expected to take a short break from football in the new year to star in the film version of The Hobbit.
Rooney will play either Thorin the Dwarf or the Lonely Mountain alongside Martin Freeman’s portrayal of Bilbo Baggins as a sightly bemused trainee accountant from Surrey.
Producer Peter Jackson said: “The plot immediately struck a chord with Wayne, focussing as it does on a stumpy bloke with big feet from a backwards part of the world who is obsessed with gold.
“The only thing Tolkien missed out was the bit where Bilbo gets caught up to his hairy Hobbit sack in ancient Middle Earth fanny.”