Vatican Banned Bruni To Avert Papal Erection

THE Vatican blocked a visit by French first lady Carla Bruni in order to prevent a full-scale Papal engorgement, it has been confirmed.

The wife of French president Nicolas Sarkozy was asked not to accompany him to Rome earlier this month as senior Vatican officials feared that if the Pontiff met her in person there could be lots of coughing, looking the other way and trying desperately to change the subject.

Vatican insiders stressed that while the Pope does wear a long dress, the material is rather flimsy and even a mild erection would quickly have become obvious.

A senior source said: “The Pope prefers not to wear underpants so we have to be very careful about who we let him get close to. The likes of Madonna, Susan Boyle and Hillary Clinton are all fine, while Cherie Blair probably made it shrink.

“But, even though this is an 83 year-old celibate who thinks sex is for rabid monkeys, we are talking about Carla Bruni for Christ’s sake.

“She’s enough to make you give up 14 year-old choristers.”

The source added: “On that basis we felt it would be best if the President came alone. For all his undoubted charms and full head of hair, Monsieur Sarkozy was unlikely to lead to a Pontifical erection. Not after lunch anyway.”

Papal historian Julian Cook, said: “The last time there was a full-blown hard-on in the Vatican was when John Paul II met Nancy Reagan.

“He was such a weird guy.”



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Manchester Police Struggle To Reach 140 Characters

THE Twitter experiment by Greater Manchester police failed last night after officers were unable to add a third word to their tweets.

Thousands of Twitter followers, keen to gain an insight into the daily life of one of Britain’s biggest forces, were left disappointed after hundreds of abrupt, non-specific posts including ‘bad thing’, ‘thing stoled’ and ‘car hurt’.

There were also more than 2000 tweets saying ‘reasonable force’ and ‘probably darkies’.

The project was designed to highlight the duties performed by police that are not reflected in official statistics, such as using a riot van to help move a friend’s sofa or tasering each other for a bet.

A spokesman said: “Too hard. How make? Three words? Can’t make. Bother.”

He added: “Twitter. Funny word. Like birds! Tweety tweet! I bird. Bird fly! Ouch.”

Chief constable Peter Fahy, who has been able to string together up to five words for over a year, said the exercise now highlighted the danger of cutting police adult literacy budgets.

He added: “Police can’t make enough words. This very bad for Britain. Look at my fancy hat.”

But so far the initiative has failed to convince ministers, with one senior Home Office source comparing Manchester policing to ‘installing a burglar alarm on a dungheap’.

Wayne Hayes, a Trafford-based criminal who specialises in being caught, said: “It was quite humiliating, having a copper beat me with a length of garden hose with one hand and typing the word ‘fuckface’ into his Blackberry with the other.”

The spokesman added: “Like hose. Hose good.

“Hello hose!”