BBC To Replace Moyles With Six Month-Old Baby

THE Radio One breakfast show is to be hosted by a six month old baby, the BBC has confirmed.

Corporation executives wanted to replace current presenter Chris Moyles with someone younger, but have taken almost a year to find a candidate who did not make the veteran DJ seem like an idiot foetus.

A BBC spokesman said: “We brought in some people in their twenties, but they were far, far, far, far more emotionally and intellectually mature than Chris Moyles. They may as well have been in their mid-seventies.

“So then we auditioned some teenagers who do nothing but sit around all day playing Grand Theft Auto and fiddling with their genitals. But again, they had so much intelligence and wisdom compared to Chris Moyles. It was as if they were a different species.

“Then we tried a 10 year-old boy who picks his arse and then eats it and likes to torture bees. He told us that amongst his age group, Chris Moyles is regarded as pathetically asinine.

“We then went through a series of progressively younger children, all to no avail. There was a two year-old who seemed to have a similar sense of humour to Chris Moyles, but unfortunately she was nowhere near as self-absorbed and petulant.

“Anyway, last week we finally cracked it. Jack has just turned six months old and loves wallowing in his own faeces and is tremendously amused by his feet.

“His presenting style involves hitting the microphone over and over and over again, screaming at the top of his lungs for no reason whatsoever and then enthusiastically shitting himself.

“Developmentally we reckon he’s about 20 minutes behind Chris Moyles. So, mission accomplished.”

Moyles will leave the BBC at end of the month and is expected to become the new director of programmes at Channel Four.



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Liverpool Court Drama To Replace Home Matches

FANS have asked for the ownership battle over Liverpool FC to be staged at Anfield in place of the actual football.

Supporters say Tom Hicks and George Gillett’s last-ditch defence of their business interests has called to mind the halcyon days of Djimi Traoré and Phil Babb in its comic desperation.

Meanwhile the arrival of Boston tycoon John W Henry as someone with a proven track record of success who will ultimately turn out to be worse than useless will be an echo of the day when fans would would watch Fernando Morientes piss their hard-stolen money up a wall.

Kop End regular Wayne Hayes said: “It’s good that scousers might actually get something positive from a courtroom instead of a sobbing half-drunk mother promising to look after her son’s Rottweiler.”

The ongoing saga of who gets to own the world’s most expensive probation office looks set for an initial six-week run, with Willy Russell setting the story to a series of lachrymose show tunes and the parts of Hicks and Gillett being played by Elaine Page and Barbara Dickson.

Hayes added: “Rather than watching Gerrard hurtling around the pitch like an ADHD child topped up with Sunny Delight and crack, we’ll have a delightful afternoon of theatre in the round.

“If that’s not too fancy a term for 45,000 sweaty sacks of whining nylon swearing at some foreigners.”

Coach Roy Hodgson said: “A bit of theatre would be nice wouldn’t it? Of course there was no telly when I first started managing football teams. All we had was the theatre and the newspapers. And the radio. I liked the radio.

“Here, they should do that song from Singin’ in the Rain. It’s the one where it’s raining and he’s singing. You know the one I mean.”