Survive five years in this twat factory and you're in for life, EU citizens told

EU CITIZENS have been told if they can manage five consecutive years in the twat factory that is Britain, they can stay for life. 

The generous offer means that after just half-a-decade of residence EU nationals would be fully entitled to work, pensions, NHS care and housing, none of which will at that point exist.

Marcus Büchner, a German living in Birmingham, said: “It is the same basic principle as the Hunger Games. 

“Survive Britain, kill all those who are trying to kill you, abandon your civilised values and be granted a reward that could not ever be worth the price you paid.

“What terrible things will have happened to me after five years? Will I enjoy bitter? Will I support Aston Villa? Will I understand what the fuck the point of Coronation Street is?

“Congratulations, Britain. You have called our bluff. Five years here would be an eternity. We will all go back to our countries that are nice.”


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Britain in record breaking four-day summer

AS SUMMER in Britain comes to an end, experts confirmed the four days of consecutive sunshine was a new record.

With the arrival of rain and decent British temperatures, meteorologists described the summer of 2017 as ‘almost too long’.

Met Office official Dr Julian Cook said: “It demolishes the two day cracker of 2014 and the legendary three day summer of 1976. But four days of summer is quite enough. Any longer and there’s the possibility that people may start to overreact.”

Sunshine enthusiast Eleanor Shaw, from Stevenage, said: “I spent the whole four days complaining that I couldn’t sleep while doing sod all to help myself, such as putting a fan on.

“I’ll never forget what a wonderful summer this was.”

Meanwhile, Scottish people insisted their summer had ‘yet to begin’, prompting meteorologists to look at them sadly and shake their heads.