Survive five years in this twat factory and you’re in for life, EU citizens told

EU CITIZENS have been told if they can manage five consecutive years in the twat factory that is Britain, they can stay for life. 

The generous offer means that after just half-a-decade of residence EU nationals would be fully entitled to work, pensions, NHS care and housing, none of which will at that point exist.

Marcus Büchner, a German living in Birmingham, said: “It is the same basic principle as the Hunger Games. 

“Survive Britain, kill all those who are trying to kill you, abandon your civilised values and be granted a reward that could not ever be worth the price you paid.

“What terrible things will have happened to me after five years? Will I enjoy bitter? Will I support Aston Villa? Will I understand what the fuck the point of Coronation Street is?

“Congratulations, Britain. You have called our bluff. Five years here would be an eternity. We will all go back to our countries that are nice.”