Glastonbury coverage welcomed by Britain's top letches

MEN who dislike pop music but enjoy leering at young women have welcomed blanket coverage of Glastonbury.

The media’s decision to portray an unashamedly left-wing event as a cavalcade of breasts and buttocks has proved popular with everyone who does not care whether Thom Yorke is doing a surprise acoustic set on the West Holt stage.

Roy Hobbs, from Guildford, said: “Stormzy? Couldn’t give a monkey’s. But I’m extremely interested in Glasto first-timer Georgina and her denim shorts.

“Typically the radical leftists at the BBC spend too much time on the actual music, but I know the tabloids will focus on the perky breasts and lovely young bottoms that are the real point of the whole shebang.”

Martin Bishop, from Peterborough, agreed: “You never know what your Glasto highlight will be until the festival’s over. It defies your expectations.

“But I’m very much hoping for a brunette in bodypaint sucking a lolly.”

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Dear Holly, I can't be arsed being royal anymore

Dear Holly,
I’ve decided I can’t be arsed being royal anymore. I’d much rather live life as a lowly pleb in a tiny house with a rubbish car and a dreadful job, bearing a substantial amount of debt due to payday loans and a marriage under pressure as a result of constant financial worries and a couple of ungrateful brats draining the last of my cash just to stay alive.  But then, the grass is always greener, I suppose.

Dear Harry,
It’s such a shame that Daniel Day Lewis has retired. He’d make a great king because he would do that method acting and go and live in Buckingham palace for a few months to really get a feel for the role and start speaking like the Queen in that squeaky posh voice and dye his hair a bit ginger and wear prosthetic ears and a Barbour jacket so everyone forgets it’s Daniel Day Lewis and starts really believing he’s the King of England but then he might start improvising and decide he wants to imprison people in the Tower of London and that escalates quickly to public beheadings and starting a war with France and then everyone gets the Plague and dies. So on reflection, maybe it’s best he’s retiring.
Hope that helps,