Parenting 'a doddle', confirms aunt who has been babysitting for half an hour

CHILDREN are a lot easier to look after than everyone makes out, according to an aunt who has completed a trouble-free half hour. 

Nikki Hollis began looking after her three-year-old niece Emilia earlier this morning and has already concluded that parenting is actually pretty simple.

She said: “My sister goes on and on about how exhausting and stressful it is. She always was a whiner.

“We’ve played in the garden, eaten some fruit and read part of a book. Em’s been an angel. I guess some people just don’t have the knack.”

Hollis plans to continue her role as an inspirational aunt over a lunch prepared by her sister and hopes by the end of the day to have taught her niece to read.

She is expected to be discovered at the end of the day – following Emilia’s violent, screaming tantrum and outright refusal to sleep – smoking out of the bathroom window while her niece eats chocolate buttons in front of ‘whatever the fuck is on Netflix’.

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Davis tells room full of people who can speak German that they'd all be speaking German if it wasn't for us

DAVID Davis has told a room full of people who can speak German that if it was not for Britain they would all be speaking German.

Davis made the announcement during day two of the Brexit negotiations after not knowing what else to say.

Chief EU negotiator, Michel Barnier, told the Brexit secretary: “I can speak German. In fact I can speak several languages.

“What’s your point?”

In response, Davis shook his head while scribbling on a piece of paper and muttering to himself about ‘smart arses’.

Davis then offered to lend the Europeans his DVD of the classic documentary series The World at War, ‘narrated by Brexit-supporting Laurence Olivier’.

He added: “Maybe they’ll learn a thing or two. Which they almost certainly will because they all speak excellent English.”