Texas struggling with life under communism

TEXAS is now a communist state following the re-election of Barack Obama, it has emerged.

The president has introduced the forced collectivisation of farms, the confiscation of private weapons and replaced repeats of The Dukes Of Hazzard with four hour documentaries about tractors.

Country and western has been banned, replaced by state-approved raps in praise of the Dear Leader Obama. No one is allowed to leave the country except to go to Cuba.

Texan Tom Booker said: “While African-Americans and Muslims enjoy special state privileges and cushy jobs, we ordinary white Texans must endure their towns and hamlets being burned down by Obama’s henchmen.

“We can’t even  flee to Mexico because they’ve built a 16 foot high wall with watchtowers and electric fences.”

Meanwhile, right wing commentators such as Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck have fallen meekly silent, fearful of reprisals from the president’s secret police.

In Dallas, now known as Husseinstan, a statue of Lee Harvey Oswald has been erected, hailing him as the revolutionary martyr who slaughtered the Imperialist enemy of the people John F Kennedy.

A source at Fox News, now the official state propaganda channel, said: “We at Fox welcome our new master and overlord. We are all red states now. Get used to it.”



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Jungle bikini celebrity has a penis

FANS of I’m A Celebrity… are in shock after a breast owner was revealed to have a penis.

Viewers of the jungle-based ogling experience were enjoying close-ups of a minor actress’s bikini-clad breasts when the camera tilted down to reveal she had a penis.

Former ITV fan Tom Logan said: “Like all heterosexual men, after a hard day at the office I like to sit on a chair, crack open a can of widely-advertised lager and look at tits.

“This was all going swimmingly when one of the birds – I’m not sure they have names as such – stripped down to her shreddies for some gratuitous showering.

“First there was a leering close-up of her shapely swedgers. So far so good.

“But then as the camera moved down her body, it emerged she was wearing no pants and had a huge wang and balls.

“I threw up into my lap. Although as the revulsion subsided I felt intrigued enough to continue watching.”

Following the shocking penis reveal, Ant and Dec explained the producers’ intention to challenge perceptions of gender.

Ant said: “You weren’t expecting that, were you eh? That’s what the show’s all about, making you question your sexuality and by extension your identity, perhaps even triggering deeper existential questions that touch on the very nature of humanity.”

Dec added: “Why aye man.”