Three indictments does not feel like enough, says everyone

A MERE three indictments levelled against Donald Trump does not feel like enough to cover all the bullshit he got up to while in power, everyone has agreed.

News of Trump’s plotting to overturn the 2020 election has come as a surprise to no one, but three indictments still seems like a puzzlingly low number considering his numerous assaults on democracy, truth and women.

US citizen Norman Steele said: “I get that each indictment contains separate counts, but even so. Three? Surely the Muslim travel ban should have warranted one of its own.

“He was president for four years. You’d at least expect him to be slapped with an indictment on a weekly basis. There was the ‘bleach cures Covid’ bullshit, the QAnon bullshit, the ‘lock her up’ bullshit, and that’s just scratching the surface.

“I think about 2,000-3,000 indictments would make more sense.

“The 2020 election interference was his last hurrah. It wasn’t like he was a paragon of virtue before then. Is it too late to stick on more indictments? Hopefully they’d speed up the process of putting him in jail because the next presidential race is worryingly close.”

Republican voter Donna Sheridan said: “You’re all just jealous that Trump has got more indictments than every other president in history combined. If you’ve got the most of something that makes you best, right? I am literally this stupid.”

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Women demand to know when they will be sufficiently moisturised

WOMEN have demanded to know when their skin will be sufficiently moisturised so that they can finally relax.

Failing to constantly apply moisturiser – a problem which strangely does not affect men – could easily cause all females to become shrivelled, leathery husks like Egyptian mummies.

Nikki Hollis said: “When will it be over? I start the day with a cleansing balm followed by a hydrating cleanser, retinol – whatever the f**k that is – a hydrating serum and then actual moisturiser. 

“And that’s before we turn to my body, which is so slathered in creams to prevent a bout of fatal dry skin I can’t sit down naked on anything without immediately sliding off. 

“Lovemaking is almost impossible unless my boyfriend fixes me in place with duct tape and I didn’t enjoy that much last time. I can’t even grab a coffee for fear it’ll shoot out of my hand.

“Please let this nightmare be over. I’m having to get passersby to apply cream on hard-to-reach places like my lower back. I’m lucky not to have been put on the sex offenders list.”

Hollis is currently booked into a spa at the weekend where people will put even more moisturising oils on her body, a special treat which she says “fills her with fear and dread”.