Trump has already pressed fake nuclear button CIA gave him over a dozen times

DONALD Trump has nearly worn out the large fake red button that the CIA told him would set off nuclear weapons.

Trump first pressed the button after getting a lukewarm cup of coffee during his first day at the Whitehouse and has pressed it incessantly ever since.

A White House insider said, “He was watching a repeat of Who Wants to be a Millionaire? yesterday and he got the £1,000 question wrong and he just totally lost it and said that people needed to pay for that.

“The question was ‘What is the capital of Peru?’ So you can guess who he decided to nuke for that one.

“Bolivia. Because that’s what he thought the answer was.

“He then decided that Italians were generally a bit rude so he knew how to sort that out.

“He’s currently under the impression that we also nuked France yesterday because he once received unsatisfactory service in a restaurant in Barcelona.

“There are a number of things wrong with that sentence but if we start highlighting them then we have to start highlighting all the other stuff too and we really don’t have the time.”

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Rising panic in Theresa May’s voice is Britain’s new favourite sound

THE note of rising dread in the prime minister’s voice as she announces a new Brexit White Paper is the UK’s new lullaby.

The quavering whine audible when May told parliament she had a White Paper ready to deliver within days has been Shazamed 2.2 million times and is number one on iTunes.

Tom Booker of Leatherhead said: “Oh, I know that tone. I’ve heard it in my own voice often enough.

“But this time it isn’t me who hasn’t done the work, or who’s done a shit job confident I’d get away with it, or realising I’ve made fundamental errors and then made it worse by lying. It’s her.

“I’m sure we’ll all pay in the long run, but in the meantime it’s my new alarm. Wakes you instantly with a lurching horror, followed by the delicious realisation that someone’s fucked up majorly but it’s not you.”

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