PRESIDENT Trump was hidden in a catering truck so he could be served to Russia’s leader as a nude human meat platter, he has confirmed.
Trump came up with the idea while at a Nato summit where nobody had a good word to say about his favourite ethonationalist, and persuaded protection officers to smuggle him off Air Force One so he could be stripped, rubbed down with lard and flown to Moscow.
An aide said: “Trump knew Putin had heard all the disparaging things Nato leaders were saying about him, because he was wearing a wire, and he knew Putin would be upset. So he came up with this to placate him.
“Once he was scrubbed clean he lay back and, as we entered Russian airspace, we decorated his naked form with a selection of cooked meats. Jamón Ibérico, smoked brisket, chorizo, pancetta, black truffle salami, wild boar sausage… he was delectable.
“The plane landed and Trump, eyes closed, neck quivering, awaited his hero. But when he finally boarded he was unimpressed. He barely fingered the beef bresaola and muttered disparagingly about the president’s penis before disembarking, leaving his meats untouched.
“Naturally Trump was furious, blamed Biden, and demanded we fly him straight home and never mention it to anyone. Which I didn’t until I was fired for having a Hispanic sister-in-law, which is woke.”
He added: “The meat was fed to dogs. They died.”
