Trump launches ‘Trumpbook’

DONALD Trump has launched a social networking site just for him and his insane followers.

Following Twitter’s threat to ban him, the president-elect has set up Trumpbook, where he will never be challenged and members will automatically like the many pictures of his dinner.

Trump said: “If you want to join it you’ve first got to have voted for me, or be a bit of maniac or a lady with large breasts.

We won’t be banning anyone for saying anything wild or unfounded either because as we all now know, anything that’s wild and unfounded can only be true.

“Putin’s going to be on there. I mean, whether I like it or not, Putin will find a way of getting on there.”

Trump also added that he wasn’t ‘married to the name’ saying: “Trumpspace is another potential name for it.

My only worry about calling it Trumpspace is that it only lasts a few years and then it will be completely forgotten. I’m sure that’s not what the world wants.”

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‘The Grand Tour’ is most illegally downloaded show by teenagers reluctantly helping their dads

JEREMY Clarkson’s show has set a record for illegal downloads by teenagers doing it resentfully because their dad kept asking.

The Grand Tour has been downloaded over 10 million times by sons and daughters who think it is shit but have been badgered into helping their father who lacks the skills or initiative to use a torrent site.

15-year-old Tom Booker said: “I have no idea who the three presenters are, they look like supply teachers, and I dislike helping my dad because it eats into my wanking time.

“He was really insistent though. He hasn’t been this nice to me since there were rumours of a Fiona Phillips sex tape.”

He added: “If anyone at school thinks I downloaded this programme because I like it, I will die a virgin.”

Booker’s father Martin said: “I’ve repeatedly told Tom that stealing is bad, but that applies mainly to shoplifting and car theft.

“These guys are ex-BBC, so really I’ve already paid my license fee to train them in making pithy remarks about exploding vehicles.

“I’m definitely not getting ‘Amazon Pine’ or whatever it’s called.”