UK carrying out hit-and-run card deliveries

BRITONS are delivering Christmas cards with maximum stealth to avoid interacting with relatives and neighbours.

Many people have developed commando-style tactics to put cards through the letterboxes of people they supposedly like without being forced to talk to them.

Accountant Tom Logan said: “You creep down the drive, slide the card through the letterbox as quietly as possible, then run like fuck.

“If a neighbour or relative sees you from the lounge window it’s game over. You’re looking at a glass of sherry and a tedious conversation about their daughter going to university.

“Darkness and surprise are your friends. I only deliver cards at night wearing dark clothes and soft-soled shoes.

“If it’s people I really want to avoid, like my in-laws, I make a friend take me in the car. Once the card’s away I jump back in shouting ‘GO GO GO!’”

Donna Sheridan said: “I was delivering a card to Bob and Sandra across the road but got careless and triggered a security light. Suddenly they were at the front door inviting me in.

“They got me in the lounge and gave me a real working over – home-brew wine and their holiday snaps from Malta. I escaped 50 minutes later but I still get flashbacks.”

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May orders large consignment of Dalmatians

A VANLOAD of Dalmatians was delivered in secret to Downing Street, it has emerged.

Although Theresa May is known to be a fan of luxury animal-skin garments, she has confirmed that the dogs, numbering just over a hundred in total, are purely for petting purposes.

She said: “The Dalmatian is such a fun and affectionate breed, that’s which I wanted nearly nine dozen of them.

“I’ve heard of people removing their attractive pelts and making them into winter coats. Although the resulting garment would be highly practical and look fantastic with a pair of killer Manolo Blahniks, I find the thought of that very upsetting.”

Picking up a Dalmatian puppy in her claw-like hand, she said: “I’ve given them all names. This one’s Doggy, and that cute little guy over there is called Other Doggy. They have such character.

“Of course they’ll be going later today. To my…other house.”

Dalmatian owner Tom Booker, a struggling songwriter somehow able to afford a townhouse in Regent’s Park with a housekeeper, said: “Theresa May offered to buy our dog but we refused. Now he seems to have gone missing.

“If she has him, I’m sure he’ll be fine. She’s a safe pair of hands.”