Dads in training for pointlessly competitive games of Trivial Pursuit

BRITAIN’S fathers have begun training for this year’s absurdly competitive Christmas Day games of Trivial Pursuit.

Across the country, fathers are watching upwards of three quiz shows a day, as well as looking at the general knowledge crossword in the paper after their wives have finished it.

Tom Logan, from Stevenage, said: “My eldest son is 21 so he thinks he knows some shit because he’s been to university.

“We’ll see how much he knows after I’ve had two solid weeks of reading stuff.

“Plus, I’ll probably look at the answers on the cards just to make sure.”

Logan’s wife, Jane, added: “I’ve hidden the Trivial Pursuit cards and I’ve been putting the wrong answers in the crossword.

“Game on, motherfucker.”

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Middle class children ask for massive plastic toys to annoy parents

MIDDLE class children are asking for large, brightly coloured plastic toys for Christmas that will ruin their parent’s tasteful lifestyle.

The children have admitted they just enjoy pissing off their pretentious parents who would rather they play with stylish things that do not clash with the furniture.

Three year-old Nathan Muir said: “Before I was born my parents spent ages choosing Farrow & Ball paint and Ercol chairs so they could create a beautiful, minimal home that looked like something out of a Scandinavian crime drama.

“I was meant to complete their fantasy middle-class lifestyle. At first it was fine because they could just leave me in a wicker basket with an expensive blanket that complimented the colour scheme.

“Then they insisted on only giving me wooden blocks in neutral colours and felt dolls that looked fabulous next to the Moroccan throw cushions.

“Now I’m going to totally fuck it all up by asking for the largest, tackiest, gaudiest toys available and then chuck them all over the house.”

He added: “It will be the first in a long line of things I do simply to get on their tits.”