Trump overtaken by Dick Dastardly in Republican polls

CARTOON racing driver Dick Dastardly has overtaken Donald Trump in polls for the Republican presidential nomination.

Running on the campaign slogan ‘Drat! Drat! and Double Drat!’, Dastardly has focused on the issue of young, female drivers, calling them the ‘scourge of middle America’.

Critics have stressed the candidate is best known for coming last on approximately 150 occasions on the television series Wacky Races.

But Dastardly insisted he was ‘cheated by a vindictive, probably menstruating, young woman and a gang of short, Italian-Americans, all of whom are drug dealers and rapists’.

Meanwhile, Donald Trump stressed that not only did Dastardly appear to be on the side of the Germans in the long-running series Stop the Pigeon, he had a 100 percent failure rate in capturing the bird.

Trump said: “The American public are not going to vote for a two-dimensional cartoon villain. They’re not idiots.”

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Man can’t decide whether to go out and get pissed or stay in and get pissed

A MAN is facing an impossible dilemma between getting drunk in the pub or getting drunk at home.

Tom Booker, from Southampton, has been struggling with the tough choice since Tuesday but has yet to make any headway despite soliciting advice from friends, family and his local MP.

He said: “On the one hand there’s the glorious neon-lit carousel of the pubs, the nightclub, the freedom of vomiting on the open street and the intoxicating possibility of a fight in the taxi queue.

“On the other, there’s the familiar warmth of knocking them back in front of the telly, no need to dress up, no queues and your own comforting toilet to be sick in at the end of the night.

“How can I possibly spurn one of these two alluring sirens? How?”

He added: “I could always get pissed at home then go out, or go out then come home and keep getting pissed, but that doesn’t seem fair to anyone. No, I need to decide one way or the other and stop messing around.”

Booker has postponed making his final decision until after work, when he will thrash it out with friends over a few quiet pints, or possibly back at someone’s flat.

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