Trump spending $150m on Aberdeen golf course where he’ll someday be exiled

PRESIDENT Trump is lavishing $150m on the Aberdeen golf course where he will live out his days in exile from the USA. 

Trump has promised to invest the sizeable sum into Balmedie to make it a resort fit for a world leader forced to escape his country with nothing but billions in stolen cash to comfort him.

A Trump insider said: “By 2020 we’re counting on Brexit having happened and the UK not having signed any extradition treaties, making it a safe haven for international fugitives.

“Trump will retreat to his compound to spend the rest of his days tweeting about how he is the one, true ruler of the United States and the charges against him are baseless lies.

“We’re currently fortifying the resort against CIA Black Ops and digging a bunker deep below the course where the disgraced former president, and his gold, will hide from international legal proceedings.

“We’re building a few cottages for friends, family, and fellow co-conspirators. Nigel Farage has already reserved his. Half a million in cash in a duffelbag.”

Home secretary Sajid Javid said: “Britain’s doors will always lie proudly open for deposed dictators fleeing justice. As they ever have.”

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Mid-life hangovers now come with sickening mid-life crisis

PEOPLE turning 40 are being warned that hangovers now include a distressing mid-life crisis that could last for years.

Symptoms include headache, nausea and a dreadful suspicion that you have irredeemably fucked up your life.

Marketing manager Donna Sheridan said: “After getting shitfaced I woke up not only with a splitting head but also a deep sense of depression that I’d never been up in a hot air balloon.

“Then when I was looking for the paracetamol I realised I’m single and live in a rented flat whereas my friend Lucy runs her own business, has two lovely children and plays tennis. Even her fucking dog is cute.

“I’ve had hangovers before but I’ve never wanted to throw up because I’ve never been to Vietnam.

“I’m never going to drink again. Except maybe a couple of glasses of wine tonight so I don’t feel so ill while I write a document called ‘Life Plan: A Fresh Start’.”

Dr Tom Booker said: “My advice is to drink lots of water and concentrate on friends who are less successful than you, if you can think of any.”