People in restaurant so glad they invited a f**king anal retentive

A MEAL was turned into a massive pain in the arse by a man obsessed with splitting the bill fairly.

After eating at Bombay Heaven in Knutsford, Norman Steele decided to take a firm stance on the fact that he did not have a starter, as well as recalculating the bill seven times.

Fellow diner Emma Bradford said: “We were just going to split the bill equally but Norman decided that people ordering extra nan breads was a major moral issue.

“We’d only had a few bottles of wine between 10 of us, but apparently that was a grave injustice against Norman, who’d made one bottle of beer last all evening like the tight git he is.

“The best bit though was when he spent 45 minutes recalculating the bill on his phone. What could be a more perfect end to the evening?”

Steele said: “I just wanted the bill to be fair and equitable, which is why I asked everyone to put up their hands if they’d had two or more poppadoms and wrote it down in my notebook.

“I just wouldn’t have enjoyed it if I hadn’t saved that £2.35.”

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Woman fighting poverty and injustice by clicking angry face emoji

A WOMAN who clicks on the angry face emoji on Facebook after reading about terrible events feels she is doing everything she can to help.

Office worker Nikki Hollis has used the tiny cartoon picture to help solve problems including the Syrian refugee crisis, plastic pollution and child poverty.

Hollis said: “The world is full of these awful problems, which I know about because my friends put them on Facebook. I don’t read the papers myself because they’re just full of loads of boring writing.

“It’s important to make your voice heard, so I read the headline, click on the angry face and then do something more fun like a quiz about which one of the Kardashians I’m most like.

“The situation in Yemen is really upsetting me at the moment. I’m most like Kim, by the way. Yay!

“What I don’t understand is how people helped out with disasters in the olden days. I suppose you could tell your neighbour, but apart from that I can’t think of anything you could do.

“Oh god, there’s just been a flood in Bangladesh. Let me click the emoji. There. That’s that sorted.”