Are you a cookery ponce?

HAVE you got too into cookery and become the sort of tosser who throws a strop if you can’t find the right anchovies? Take our test and find out.

What sort of person says: “I’m serving the salt-baked monkfish under a spun sugar and gruyere basket?”

A. A massive twat.

B. You.

How do you buy some sausages?

A. Go to the shop and buy some sausages.

B. Drive 60 miles to a farmers’ market and pay £11.99 for six bangers from a vendor who insists the pigs are incredibly happy, until they get a bolt through the head.

When you hold a dinner party, what is the atmosphere like?

A. Chilled-out, boozy, fun.

B. Incredibly tense as you watch your guests’ reactions to the food like a hawk, making them feel as relaxed as a British spy being questioned by a particularly observant Gestapo officer.

What are you planning to have for lunch at work today?

A. An M&S sandwich.

B. At least three Tupperware containers containing things like aubergine tabbouleh and mango noodle salad which you will ostentatiously eat at your desk with chopsticks like a knob.

What, to you, is the mark of a good meal?

A. It tastes nice.

B. It requires 11 hours of preparation and cooking, during which your mood will swing between depression due to the cream splitting and psychotic anger at your kids for playing with the pasta machine.

What is the most expensive item you own apart from a house?

A. A car.

B. A ludicrously expensive set of Japanese sushi knives that cost more than the same number of authentic 12th century samurai swords.

What makes you angry?

A. Self-serving politicians, the NHS being underfunded, youth unemployment.

B. Not being able to buy quail’s eggs at Asda.

Mostly As. You are not a cookery ponce. Pull your socks up and start making a pheasant and juniper mousse NOW!

Mostly Bs. You are a total cookery ponce. Apply for Masterchef so you can show off your daring ‘deconstructed’ cheesy beans on toast.

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What toss is it this year at the Mercury Music Prize?

IT’S that time of year when musos gather to prove who’s got the oddest and therefore best taste in music with the Mercury Music Prize. Here’s the shortlist.

Becky’s Wardrobe

Fey indie band from Cheltenham popular with introspective students. Darlings of the NME after the release of their debut single Middle-class Allergy Girl.

Shibby Doo and the Half Pint Gangstas

Shibby, 46, had been making low-quality grime in his mum’s spare bedroom in South London for 14 years until being discovered by a Shoreditch wanker running a record company funded by his parents. Check out his recent white label Don’t Fuck With Me (I’m a Part-Time Security Guard at Asda).

Logani, Logani & Logani

Little-known trio of Kurdish bassoon player brothers who are this year’s long shot. Even if they don’t win you should download their venture into prog-rock, Dark Side of the Bassoon.

Status Quo

After years of being criticised for featuring obscure acts, the awards have redressed the balance by shortlisting denimy plod-rockers the Quo. Check out their challenging new album The Best of Status Quo.

Bloodfeast Meat Cleaver Weekend

Thrash-core-death-core-noise-core-hate-core metal band ‘BMCW’ from Tamworth are actually really nice and take their fans for a pint after gigs.

Bickle and the Droogs

Teenage four-piece from Fleet. Controversial choice due to not having recorded an album or anyone except the guitarist knowing how to play an instrument. Entire musical output to date is a mobile phone recording of the riff from Smoke on the Water.

Kings of Avalonia

With an eclectic sound that mixes crunk, mumble rap, bluegrass and folk punk, Kings of Avalonia are shit.