Trump unites shocked world in contempt for him

PEOPLE of different races, creeds and sexual orientations all think Donald Trump is a f**ker, it has emerged.

As the world reels from tragic events in Orlando, diverse social groups came together over their feelings about the scrotum-skinned billionaire.

Roy Hobbs, from Birmingham, said: “Sometimes its seems the world is impossible to understand.

“Then Donald Trump pops up in the wake of something incomprehensibly horrible and says ‘I was right’ and you realise there are some absolute truths, like what a rotten opportunistic bastard he is.

“I speak to people from all walks of life and they feel similarly. So in a way he’s building bridges.”

Christians, Muslims, atheists, straight people and gay people have found a common ground in wishing Trump’s parents had never met, prompting speculation that he is a brilliant and selfless man who doesn’t believe a word he says.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Many have speculated that ‘Trump’s’ real name is Jason Price and that he’s a gifted character actor who created Trump to unite a disparate world against a colossal knobhead.

“Maybe it’s true. You can’t give up hope, that’s what ‘Trump’ wants.”

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Female body hair 'may stop women meeting gits'

FEMALE body hair is a massive turn-off for virgins, shallow narcissists and picky twats, it has emerged.

Unless women observe strict body hair removal regimes, they may be unable to form romantic relationships with men with loads of weird psychological hang-ups.

Office worker Martin Bishop said: “Women’s bodies should be hairless, like an Action Man or newly born baby mice. Anything else just isn’t sexy.

“They are permitted a small strip of pubic hair if it’s neat and tidy, although I’m not sure who put me in charge of ladies’ vaginal areas.

“I’d never have sex with with a woman with body hair. That’s probably why I’m still a virgin aged 29, but it’s a small price to pay for never having seen a slightly hairy female armpit.”

Personal trainer Stephen Malley agreed: “Last night an incredibly sexy woman was really hitting on me, but luckily I noticed she had fine, downy hairs on her arms before we could have mindblowing sex.

“I expect all my girlfriends to be hair-free. I’m not some control freak, just a normal guy who happens to arrange the items in his fridge alphabetically and shaves his testicles every day.”

Feminist Donna Sheridan said: “I blame internet porn, but you should probably do your legs because even Guardian readers don’t want to shag a French werewolf.”