Unst may separate from Shetland Islands

THE third largest of the Shetland Islands could demand its own independence if the islands separate from Scotland.

Unst, which covers 46 square miles and has the islands’ only leisure centre, is considering rejoining the UK, rejoining Scotland, rejoining Norway or joining the Federated States of Micronesia.

Unst alderman Bill McKay said: “With natural resources like herring, wind, and Muckle Flugga lighthouse we’d be fools to remain shackled to a Mainland which is only dragging us down.

“My first act as president for life would be to reduce corporation taxes to two per cent, attracting businesses like GlaxoSmithKline to relocate their headquarters here.

“My second act would be to nationalise Unst Cycle Hire, the Valhalla Brewery and Foord’s Chocolates so they could be efficiently run by the state.

“And then, of course, we would declare war.”

Initial polling of Unst’s residents revealed that 209 would vote Yes, 221 would vote No, and 202 are yet to decide and like the attention.


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Could we be owned by normal people? ask cats

CATS have asked if they can be owned by people who are not weird.

Currently anyone owning four or more cats is automatically monitored by local authorities, while anyone with 10-plus cats is ‘zoned as a special cattery’.

But the cats themselves have said they would like to be owned by the normal just to see how it feels.

Four-year-old tortoiseshell Felix said: “I hate to complain, and certainly I get stroked a lot while my owner tells me that Derren Brown can control her mind through my lovely fur…

“But negotiating my way through teetering piles of newspapers and unwashed dishes to get to the back door is a pain, while food can be a bit unreliable because of the Food Illuminati.

“Dogs get to live with normal families. I wonder what that’s like?”

Cats are particularly keen to be adopted by anyone who respects their privacy enough to not take photographs of them and post them on social media every single minute of the day.